At last, this was it!!! 1986 and I was rich beyond dreams of avarice, my starting salary in my first job was an unbelievable £3 500!! (Even back then it was bugger all! And at lest half of my wage went on travelling into work) However, it was an unbelievable apprenticeship as while in my first job I got to work with famous names such as Peter Sallis, Robin Bailey, Harry Enfield and Steve Coogan. I even got to fly for the first time all the way to London!

All the while, when time allowed, I kept the dream alive and dressed when I could. My career was mapped out, I was doing brilliant work which is why i had chosen the career, and I was certain the money would come. Indeed, after a year my salary was doubled. However, Phoebe had other ideas. She was a nurse, so she should have been fully aware of the female reproductive cycle, whereas I was a virgin until I met her. She wanted unprotected sex and said she was 'safe', guess what, she wasn't and got pregnant! I suggested she had a termination as I thought we were not ready but she persuaded me she couldn't have one. Ultimately I am glad as the child she had (I have severe doubts still that he is mine) is a strapping 20 year old man.

At the time I had managed to save up £2 000 which was a sizeable sum back then, and a friend off mine thinks once she knew how much money I had, I was an answer to her financial prayers and nothing more, and what better way to catch a man than to get pregnant. All the time I kept dressing as the girl who would later be called Davinia, but allowed societal pressures to demand, that despite not really wanting to, I got married.

With thanks to Shania Twain for yet another corny video link into a blog! (come on you can tell me if this is getting too boring! I won't cry ... much!!) When I rediscovered this video tonight after maybe 10 year of last hearing it I suddenly discovered the hidden meaning to the chorus.

It's true! Every single day in every possible way my feminine side is getting stronger. Even as I walk down the street in my imagination I can feel my skirts brushing against my legs, I can almost taste my lipstick, smell my perfume and feel my handbag on my shoulder! I still have a very long way before I am one, but inside ... MAN!! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!!!

Well, at least that’s the way this transforming ‘malarkey’ seems to work out. All the way it seems for me that when all I really want to do is get on and be a girl, I just get knocked back and forced to move forward little by little. I’ve had 33 years to advance so I should be used to moving slowly!! I should have used my mental health situation, which developed as my marriage disintegrated, as a way to push my transition forward but I never have. I think it was because I thought it would damage and destroy my chance of transitioning.

So in some ways I have only myself to blame, but it is only since Christmas that I have ‘come clean’ and told the professionals helping me regain my mental health about my deep-seated and long-standing desire to become a lady. By never revealing the real facts about myself before it was like giving someone a book to read having removed the key chapters, so they would never be able to understand the full story! These experts have been helping me recover from my whole world imploding back in 1999, so why did I never have the guts to reveal the controlling desire throughout so many years of my life of my life?

What was happening inside my head that I didn’t reveal such a key fact of my life sooner? Why did I never feel comfortable to reveal the key fact as to who I am and why I act the way I do? I AM A WOMAN TRAPPED IN A MAN’S BODY!!

Anyway this morning I did it and told the chief of the psychiatric team who have been treating me since1999 about my dream. He was very accepting of it and says he will support me every step of the way. But to me the best thing was he said if it was him making the decision I’d be on my way as I didn’t actually have any really major mental health problems anymore, and I didn’t think I was Napoleon, Julius Caesar or even Henry VIII –speaking of which click on the image below!

I don’t suppose it is something that any non-transsexual could ever understand, and I am not even sure that most of the girls on here would have done what I did, I am not even totally sure why I used to do it, unless like me they had tried to keep their transsexuality under wraps by getting married or finding a female partner, to fit in with their appointed place in society.

It is sad, but true, the only way I could ever seem to … er … rise to the occasion was by imagining I was the woman who was being made love to by someone else, i.e.ME!! Just in case you think it sounds like the ultimate case of self-love, I do know that some other girls have done the same, and like me it was the only way they could … er … get lead in their pencils! (Message to self – posts reading like a naughty seaside post card DO NOT show off your femininity in the best light)

Anyway, and I don’t know about other girls who allowed themselves to be ‘trapped’ in the male gender. But it was commented on by several people that when I came to being male I was strange. That sounds like a queue for a song
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People Are Strange - The Doors
(J. Morrisin & R. Kruger)

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange_
People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

Jim Morrison was depressed. He went to Robbie Krieger's house, they went to a canyon to watch a sunset, at which time Jim realized he was depressed because "if you're strange, people are strange." He then wrote the rest of the lyrics.
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To be honest even when performing the sex act as a man I felt disgusted with myself for apparently being so intimate with someone whilst my mind and, to me, body was somewhere else, even if I thought of my body as being the woman below me!

Having spoken to a few girls who are now complete women, I now know what an amazing experience I have to look forward to in my first time with a man as a woman. Whilst I have been undergoing the ‘Dark Decade of the Soul’ (As opposed to a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ where you are down at the bottom of your pit for just one night) I have had no desire to have sex with or as either gender.

Now as I see Davinia coming to the fore in my life, I fully realise I no longer need the meat and two veg (as I heard them described) and the sooner I finally get rid of my outward signs of masculinity the better.

Any genetic males reading this will hardly understand what I mean as they place such ‘pride’ in their ‘equipment’. But it is something I don’t want, didn’t ask for and don’t need in its current form, all it really does now is allow me to urinate and remind me of a life I desperately want to forget.

Imagining you are making love to yourself as a girl when you are making love to a girl is quite simply unnatural, not to mention a little complicated, I seem to remember talking to the girl me instead of my wife onetime!!!!

Becoming the woman I have always known I am will make everyone’s lives so much easier, even if on occasion love making may turn into opening my legs and ‘thinking of England”!!!