Last night I read Nikki Dream's blog. See:
http://nikkidreams.com/2008/07/21/all-the-love-and-all-the-promises/
or her web site:
http://nikkidreams.com/

On them Nikki has written a poem. But not just any old poem or girlish doggerel, but a heart felt 'scream' from deep within her heart of the final implosion of her relationship with her Significant Other (SO). Before I just 'nicked the poem for this blog I contacted Nikki to see if I could use it as to me the pain in what had just happened in her life flowed off the screen and mixed with all my own anguish. Indeed The poem is so strong I had to check that Nikki had actually written it herself!

This is what Niki said about writing the poem:
"Hi. Yes it is my poem. I wrote it last night immediately after my soon to be x left. She was over all day packing her stuff to move to a storage unit. I was crying my ass off writing it. Took me a couple hours to get over the days activities."

In my life I have hardly been the great 'Latin Lover' or even an 'English Eros'. Indeed I can probably say I only ever have had two 'proper' girlfriends (one I married and was with for 13 years, the other I've been with for 8 years), and both of them have all but destroyed me. The first probably due to her taking advantage of my inbuilt femininity, the second when I revealed that I had to pursue my dream of womanhood or die!

Why can they not realise how deep our longing for femininity and womanhood is? Why do we hurt so deeply at being abandoned by our SO? Will the pain ever really lesson, or is it true that that which doesn't destroy you makes you stronger?

For me and for Nikki and for so many of us this really will have been a good year for the roses! Please read the poem and see if you feel the hurt!

For whatever reason, until a short while ago this movie had totally passed me by. The movie is 'Orlando' staring Tilda Swanson. If I understand the plot correctly it is about a courtier from the Elizabethan era who travels through time to the present day.

Throughout the movie it is not made clear what sex he/she is. I think the song 'Coming' by Jimmy Somerville which ends the movie, as here, would make yet another brilliant TS anthem. The movie is visually stunning too. So pin back your lug holes and see what you think!! Or for friends across the pond take a listen!

The video below gives yet more examples of the beauty of the film's imagery and another chance to hear 'that' song!!

The picture above is by Salvador Dali of a woman's head exploding. Searching Goole, there were quite a few more pictures of the same subject I could have chosen, but they were perhaps just a little too realistic!!

I don't know if any other girls feel the same, but why are we given just so much to cope with in our lives? Other people wail they have 'too much to do' simply living one life in their lifetimes, but we will successful live two! And then we'll do all the other caring and compassionate things our community does too, without any complaints!

There's a saying, "God will never give you more in life than you can cope with." So why do I keep feeling like such a lot of my live can be summed up in this verse from "Five Years' by David Bowie? Especially the lyrics about, "My brain hurt like a warehouse!!"
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Pushing thru the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying
I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and t.v.s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought I'd need so many people
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Elsewhere I've used two of my favourite sayings in blogs, "Most die without ever having really lived." and "May you live all the days of your life." I'd like to think that I have LIVED but why does it appear, at least at the moment, that my one true desire - to be a woman - is far beyond me???

Yes I know it will happen, and in terms of my whole life it will be soon, but each day I can almost feel my head expanding to the point of explosion! I don't want to 'cram anymore things in my store'!!! I just want to finally get around to living the life I have been running away from for 33 years!!

If you don't know the song the clip below is of David Bowie singing it on a famous Rock Music programme in Britain all the way back in 1972! When I was just 9 years old!!

Yes, even I was young once, and OK it was a very, very, very, long time ago!! (lol)

Isn't it time our community really got the rights we deserve? Earlier this year there was huge press coverage about 'How MEN in DRESSES would be able to use the female toilets in various states in the USA!' And how young girls would be put within reach of these 'deranged perverts!' At least that appeared to be the angle the more right-wing press were putting on things!

But we girls have rights too! The video above will go a long way to dispelling peoples' bigoted attitudes towards us, and I just hope ass many people as possible do get to see it.

It's quite a while since I had any photographs taken as a woman, and since then like the trees in Autumn a portion of my hair has decided to fall, so what am I going to do about my ... er ... rather large problem?? I honestly am not proud of myself but I appear to be very big-headed!!!

I suppose what I am trying to say is does anyone know any suppliers of large female wigs (Ideally in the UK) or will I have to wait until the hormones give me a fuller thatch? I've discovered the style below which I really like and have e-mailed the supplier but as their site says, they normally only go up to several centimeters below my size I'm not too confident I'll ever be able to go out without a hat!! (sob!)

Measured round the nape of the neck and the forehead, I'm about 25 inches (64 cm)


Have any other girls ever suffered this problem? Anyone got any ideas? Or will I have to give the bunch below a call about my hair??

Hi Sisters,

As you may have noticed I simply adore being around all the girls on line, present company included, of course!!

However, due to health issues I still have not finished my University work to get my degree, so I should be putting every available minute into finishing the work. I have got an extension to do the work of up to 2 months i.e. the end of August.

Meanwhile, my transition appears to be going nowhere fast, by which I mean it looks like it may well be after the Summer before things start moving for me.

I am thinking that I had better retreat somewhat from posting, so I suppose I had possibly cut down to only posting once a week, say Sunday evenings! But I will miss everyone!

I thought I'd let you know what I was thinking of, in case you thought I had gone quiet and 'slipped off the radar.'

Hugs
Davinia

The sketch above is an absolute 'comedy classic' in Britain. Say 'Fork Handles' to anyone and it is almost guaranteed to raise a smile, as they will almost certainly be thinking about the sketch by the 'Two Ronnies' above, and that you meant 'Four Candles'! I chose the title for this post as it is possible you may have been thinking I was going to talk about the English poet, William Wordsworth' who's most well know poem is shown below. Words are something we all use each and every day but they are so easy to get stumble over.

However, I am just attempting to show how easily confusion can occur, especially with subjects you may not be totally 'at home' with. With my background in commercial writing, both as an advertising copywriter and as technical author, I'd like to think I can quickly understand most written things, but new girls could easily get confused by what certain terms actually mean! I would have thought at all girls need every help they can get to make their chosen past as smooth as possible. I just wondered if anything like 'An Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Woman' had ever been produced?

(If you've got a few minutes to spare I'd recommend watching the sketch again - it still makes me smile years after first seeing it!)

(The track above is 'Who are you?' by the legendary British band, The Who. The video was filmed before the legendary drummer, Keith Moon, died. For those who can not remember or are too young Keith lived the rock 'n' roll life style to the ultimate degree!)

Best be careful as I’ve already started one blog entry with the Velvet Underground lyrics written by Lou Reed but another song seemed to fit the frankly embarrassing thing that happened yesterday, perfectly. The song is called ‘I heard her call my name”
-------------------------------------------------
I know that she cares about me
I heard her call my name
And I know she's long dead and gone
still it ain't the same
Oh, when I wake up in the morning, mama
I heard her call my name
I know she's dead and long far gone
I heard her call my name
and then I felt my mind split open
-------------------------------------------------
I was ‘miles away’ in the morning doing my most vital work, sitting down answering life’s eternal questions … er … OK, daydreaming, when the telephone rang.

So I picked up the receiver, and answered in my usual male voice, as Davinia is not really here yet. “Hello” I said in my usual deep tone. Then the caller asked for Davinia. For a moment it totally threw me as I’d never yet heard anyone use my real name, the one I chose rather than the one given to me. I frankly got all confused and totally fumbled the call, it’s just as well that I’ll never hear from the caller again.

Turns out I’d entered a competition on line in Davinia’s name, giving my phone number, so it didn’t really matter that I didn’t reconised my own name when someone used it. However, I will be careful who’s name I enter competitions with in the future and really work on my female telephone voice.

Please forgive my un-PC language, but the actual title of the John Lennon song above is 'Woman is the Nigger of the World.' By which he used such strong language to illustrate mankind's opinion about women!! They are good to have babies, to make love to and perform household tasks, but with a few notable exceptions women are still very much second class citizens!

And as transsexual women we are aiming to join and blend into the female world. We are currently members of the most powerful gender this world has ever seen - human males in an industrial world. Yes, men have messed up this whole world BIG STYLE, and our chosen gender usually cares about this planet and ALL its inhabitants, but the arguments put together by men usually win any discussions.

When we become women we are joining the 'weaker sex', vulnerable to the ideas and influences of man's attempts to take control of this 'island Earth', attempts which are doomed to failure, and as women we will not be strong enough to be able to influence anything as we will become the 'niggers of the world' and be second class citizens!

I think all we girls must have had a Damascus Road experience, and no I don't mean when we went on a holiday to Syria! I mean that moment when we knew that we knew that we knew that we were women trapped in a man's body.

Thirty three years after I first knew the moment of my realisation is still totally fresh! Out of the whole of my childhood it was the moment that still stands afresh. It marked the start of this fantastic voyage into womanhood. Hence the track, Start, from 1980 by one of my all time favourites, The Jam!

I remember exactly where I was when the dream started in me, I even remember the girls around me, their clothes, their names and even their hairstyles! I can remember the room, the teacher and which other pupils were in the class

However, over 30 years later I am still a very frustrated transsexual who is finally giving in to the deep and strong conviction that what was revealed to her in a Drama Class all those years ago is the most vital part of her life story. However, whilst not giving up on my dream in any of those years, i was looking for the quiet life and did what society expected from a boy like me in a working class area like I lived in.

I just wondered how exactly can others place the start of their dreams of womanhood?

By which I don’t mean they were born and raised as females, they have all reached different stages on the long agonizing road to correct the horrendous trick nature played on them. So kind, so helpful, and oh so special in every way, they really are unique.

If I was a full blooded heterosexual male I could well question why on earth any man would want to be a woman, if I was I would want to know how could anyone be so misguided. Why go through all the pain, heartache and naked aggression from others, when you are already by far the best example of life on this or any other planet??? THE HUMAN MALE!!

In the previous paragraph I was simply remembering how many men think, thankfully it is not something I will be doing ever again, thinking like a man! Again if you are a heterosexual male, you are probably thinking how could someone turn his back on his mates and drinking buddies to do something so … er … well … wet … as becoming a woman. Before you know it they’ll be liking pink, weepy movies and wearing make up!!! Well, I do, I do and I do!! And no I wouldn’t marry a philistine like that! Thankfully, every good decision does have a positive result and getting to know my new girl friends, but which I mean friends who are girls, is one of the best things ever to happen to me.

So if you are a new girl, or thinking you may be transsexual don’t just sit there and watch, get involved! The best women in the world are there to help – all you have to do is ask. Each of us have got our own unique life stories about how we reached the point in our lives when we could no longer live the lie and had to step out to become the women we are or will be. You can learn from all these stories, and who knows? You could even find yourself a proper girlfriend or two like I did.

OK! So the unique animal above is actually a 'Duck Billed Platypus', but a quick search on You Tube came up with no results for 'Platitudes'. In case you are wondering, a platitude is a obvious remark or statement.

I'm just a little concerned that some girls may think that is all I do, saying 'nice' things and hardly ever arguing. My words come from genuine respect and care built up over 33 years of transsexualism, which I am only now starting to do something about. Yes I was a late developer and NO I am not that old!!! I fully understand the awesome courage ad strength of mind it takes to decide to correct an error nature and the knocks and blows we girls get from 'normal' society.

To me this blog site and others have become a second home where I feel accepted and have already made friends which I hope may last a lifetime, wherever we are in the world all we girls have a common bond and thanks to the internet those bonds even stretch to the home of my platypus fried above.

For me and I suppose most of us my dream of womanhood started very many years ago. In my case I can almost certainly say that that was before most of the girls reading the blogs on Live Journal were born! That was 33 tears ago in my case! And in all that time the dream never dimmed whatever I did to attempt to deny it!

Over the years I have spent countless hours imagining what it would be like to finally be a woman and each day is bringing me closer to changing the life-long dream into a reality so that I will not have to imagine any longer. That's the reason I started this blog with 'Imagine' by John Lennon.

Becoming a woman has been a waking dream for decades, but I just wish my dream of going to sleep as a boy and waking up a girl could have come true! I remember years ago when I was involved in one of those Network Marketing 'things' hearing the saying that 'When the people lack vision they perish!' I think the same goes for dreams! And as dreams of womanhood have played such a huge part in all our lives our they really will come true.

A girlfriend of mine rang me earlier to see about an appointment, which sadly I missed this morning. Whilst we were talking she noticed a possible way for me to get through the 'log-jam' my transition appears to have fallen into. So tomorrow I'll be making a phone call which could go along way into turning my dream into a reality!

I don’t suppose it is something that any non-transsexual could ever understand, and I am not even sure that most of the girls on here would have done what I did, I am not even totally sure why I used to do it, unless like me they had tried to keep their transsexuality under wraps by getting married or finding a female partner, to fit in with their appointed place in society.

It is sad, but true, the only way I could ever seem to … er … rise to the occasion was by imagining I was the woman who was being made love to by someone else, i.e.ME!! Just in case you think it sounds like the ultimate case of self-love, I do know that some other girls have done the same, and like me it was the only way they could … er … get lead in their pencils! (Message to self – posts reading like a naughty seaside post card DO NOT show off your femininity in the best light)

Anyway, and I don’t know about other girls who allowed themselves to be ‘trapped’ in the male gender. But it was commented on by several people that when I came to being male I was strange. That sounds like a queue for a song
_______________________________________________________
People Are Strange - The Doors
(J. Morrisin & R. Kruger)

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange_
People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

Jim Morrison was depressed. He went to Robbie Krieger's house, they went to a canyon to watch a sunset, at which time Jim realized he was depressed because "if you're strange, people are strange." He then wrote the rest of the lyrics.
_______________________________________________________

To be honest even when performing the sex act as a man I felt disgusted with myself for apparently being so intimate with someone whilst my mind and, to me, body was somewhere else, even if I thought of my body as being the woman below me!

Having spoken to a few girls who are now complete women, I now know what an amazing experience I have to look forward to in my first time with a man as a woman. Whilst I have been undergoing the ‘Dark Decade of the Soul’ (As opposed to a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ where you are down at the bottom of your pit for just one night) I have had no desire to have sex with or as either gender.

Now as I see Davinia coming to the fore in my life, I fully realise I no longer need the meat and two veg (as I heard them described) and the sooner I finally get rid of my outward signs of masculinity the better.

Any genetic males reading this will hardly understand what I mean as they place such ‘pride’ in their ‘equipment’. But it is something I don’t want, didn’t ask for and don’t need in its current form, all it really does now is allow me to urinate and remind me of a life I desperately want to forget.

Imagining you are making love to yourself as a girl when you are making love to a girl is quite simply unnatural, not to mention a little complicated, I seem to remember talking to the girl me instead of my wife onetime!!!!

Becoming the woman I have always known I am will make everyone’s lives so much easier, even if on occasion love making may turn into opening my legs and ‘thinking of England”!!!

With thanks to Shania Twain for yet another corny video link into a blog! (come on you can tell me if this is getting too boring! I won't cry ... much!!) When I rediscovered this video tonight after maybe 10 year of last hearing it I suddenly discovered the hidden meaning to the chorus.

It's true! Every single day in every possible way my feminine side is getting stronger. Even as I walk down the street in my imagination I can feel my skirts brushing against my legs, I can almost taste my lipstick, smell my perfume and feel my handbag on my shoulder! I still have a very long way before I am one, but inside ... MAN!! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!!!

The song above is 'Sex and Drugs, and Rock and Roll' by the late great Ian Dury and his band the Blockheads. I was just browsing around You Tube and some old favourites, when I remembered this old track - it was 30 years ago that it was first released, but to a certain extent it illustrates a question that I am not sure how to answer!

You see on line last night I was asked by a man at what stage in my transition would I consider having sex with a man. He is in Egypt so it is unlikely we'd ever meet, but it got me thinking (A dangerous pastime - I know). I always thought the earliest time I would think about it would be after I had healed, when I will be as close as I can be in this life to a full woman.

Back to rock and roll, and I don't mean Joan Jett, I do love my music and still have loads of old fashioned vinyl albums and signals! As for the drugs in the song in our case I take it the drugs will be hormones!!!

Even as a man I always fully respected women for their choice of what to do with their bodies, but as a woman should I simply be prepared to satisfy any man who want's it??!

Why is it? I am still a man with (sadly) all my parts, but on one of the internet 'friends' boards I still get a succession of what I can only describe as dirty old men wanting to get into my knickers!! They would certainly get a shock if they did for the next few years!! (lol)

Ok, so I admin I managed to look feminine in the photographs. And this is railing against what is still my physical sex, but why is it the most ugly and lecherous men who become the dirty old ones?