(The track above is 'Who are you?' by the legendary British band, The Who. The video was filmed before the legendary drummer, Keith Moon, died. For those who can not remember or are too young Keith lived the rock 'n' roll life style to the ultimate degree!)

Best be careful as I’ve already started one blog entry with the Velvet Underground lyrics written by Lou Reed but another song seemed to fit the frankly embarrassing thing that happened yesterday, perfectly. The song is called ‘I heard her call my name”
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I know that she cares about me
I heard her call my name
And I know she's long dead and gone
still it ain't the same
Oh, when I wake up in the morning, mama
I heard her call my name
I know she's dead and long far gone
I heard her call my name
and then I felt my mind split open
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I was ‘miles away’ in the morning doing my most vital work, sitting down answering life’s eternal questions … er … OK, daydreaming, when the telephone rang.

So I picked up the receiver, and answered in my usual male voice, as Davinia is not really here yet. “Hello” I said in my usual deep tone. Then the caller asked for Davinia. For a moment it totally threw me as I’d never yet heard anyone use my real name, the one I chose rather than the one given to me. I frankly got all confused and totally fumbled the call, it’s just as well that I’ll never hear from the caller again.

Turns out I’d entered a competition on line in Davinia’s name, giving my phone number, so it didn’t really matter that I didn’t reconised my own name when someone used it. However, I will be careful who’s name I enter competitions with in the future and really work on my female telephone voice.

I think all we girls must have had a Damascus Road experience, and no I don't mean when we went on a holiday to Syria! I mean that moment when we knew that we knew that we knew that we were women trapped in a man's body.

Thirty three years after I first knew the moment of my realisation is still totally fresh! Out of the whole of my childhood it was the moment that still stands afresh. It marked the start of this fantastic voyage into womanhood. Hence the track, Start, from 1980 by one of my all time favourites, The Jam!

I remember exactly where I was when the dream started in me, I even remember the girls around me, their clothes, their names and even their hairstyles! I can remember the room, the teacher and which other pupils were in the class

However, over 30 years later I am still a very frustrated transsexual who is finally giving in to the deep and strong conviction that what was revealed to her in a Drama Class all those years ago is the most vital part of her life story. However, whilst not giving up on my dream in any of those years, i was looking for the quiet life and did what society expected from a boy like me in a working class area like I lived in.

I just wondered how exactly can others place the start of their dreams of womanhood?

For me and I suppose most of us my dream of womanhood started very many years ago. In my case I can almost certainly say that that was before most of the girls reading the blogs on Live Journal were born! That was 33 tears ago in my case! And in all that time the dream never dimmed whatever I did to attempt to deny it!

Over the years I have spent countless hours imagining what it would be like to finally be a woman and each day is bringing me closer to changing the life-long dream into a reality so that I will not have to imagine any longer. That's the reason I started this blog with 'Imagine' by John Lennon.

Becoming a woman has been a waking dream for decades, but I just wish my dream of going to sleep as a boy and waking up a girl could have come true! I remember years ago when I was involved in one of those Network Marketing 'things' hearing the saying that 'When the people lack vision they perish!' I think the same goes for dreams! And as dreams of womanhood have played such a huge part in all our lives our they really will come true.

A girlfriend of mine rang me earlier to see about an appointment, which sadly I missed this morning. Whilst we were talking she noticed a possible way for me to get through the 'log-jam' my transition appears to have fallen into. So tomorrow I'll be making a phone call which could go along way into turning my dream into a reality!

I don’t suppose it is something that any non-transsexual could ever understand, and I am not even sure that most of the girls on here would have done what I did, I am not even totally sure why I used to do it, unless like me they had tried to keep their transsexuality under wraps by getting married or finding a female partner, to fit in with their appointed place in society.

It is sad, but true, the only way I could ever seem to … er … rise to the occasion was by imagining I was the woman who was being made love to by someone else, i.e.ME!! Just in case you think it sounds like the ultimate case of self-love, I do know that some other girls have done the same, and like me it was the only way they could … er … get lead in their pencils! (Message to self – posts reading like a naughty seaside post card DO NOT show off your femininity in the best light)

Anyway, and I don’t know about other girls who allowed themselves to be ‘trapped’ in the male gender. But it was commented on by several people that when I came to being male I was strange. That sounds like a queue for a song
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People Are Strange - The Doors
(J. Morrisin & R. Kruger)

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange_
People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

Jim Morrison was depressed. He went to Robbie Krieger's house, they went to a canyon to watch a sunset, at which time Jim realized he was depressed because "if you're strange, people are strange." He then wrote the rest of the lyrics.
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To be honest even when performing the sex act as a man I felt disgusted with myself for apparently being so intimate with someone whilst my mind and, to me, body was somewhere else, even if I thought of my body as being the woman below me!

Having spoken to a few girls who are now complete women, I now know what an amazing experience I have to look forward to in my first time with a man as a woman. Whilst I have been undergoing the ‘Dark Decade of the Soul’ (As opposed to a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ where you are down at the bottom of your pit for just one night) I have had no desire to have sex with or as either gender.

Now as I see Davinia coming to the fore in my life, I fully realise I no longer need the meat and two veg (as I heard them described) and the sooner I finally get rid of my outward signs of masculinity the better.

Any genetic males reading this will hardly understand what I mean as they place such ‘pride’ in their ‘equipment’. But it is something I don’t want, didn’t ask for and don’t need in its current form, all it really does now is allow me to urinate and remind me of a life I desperately want to forget.

Imagining you are making love to yourself as a girl when you are making love to a girl is quite simply unnatural, not to mention a little complicated, I seem to remember talking to the girl me instead of my wife onetime!!!!

Becoming the woman I have always known I am will make everyone’s lives so much easier, even if on occasion love making may turn into opening my legs and ‘thinking of England”!!!

Why is it? I am still a man with (sadly) all my parts, but on one of the internet 'friends' boards I still get a succession of what I can only describe as dirty old men wanting to get into my knickers!! They would certainly get a shock if they did for the next few years!! (lol)

Ok, so I admin I managed to look feminine in the photographs. And this is railing against what is still my physical sex, but why is it the most ugly and lecherous men who become the dirty old ones?

I ask you!!! Two postings in one day when I'm at University and should be working!

Thankfully, on my head I have kept a covering 'up top' which can possinly be woven or whatever the term is to give me a semblance of a full head of hair. Hopefully, the hormones will 'bulk' my hair out so I'll look ultra-feminine without a wig, but somehow I doubt it and for me wigs will always be the way to be womanly. I would hate to be in bed with a man, as I think that is the way my sexuality will be as a full woman, and have to take my wig off revealing a bald or almost bald head!

Intrestingly enough I do actually know one old lady who is almost bald,but she has got 40 years on me, so I think feminine baldness at my AGE wouldn't be such a good idea in a woman.

What I really want is my own long feminine hair, ideally held up with a black velvet band!! Hence the link to the song by the Irish band The Dubliners. Despite the fact that most of the band are probably well into their 60s at least, they keep touring and if you hear of them in your area I would recommend going along to see them.

I would just love long feminine hair at some point in my life, but at the age i aam getting to plweas make it grow on the top of my head and not on my eyebrows, from my nose or out of my ears!!!!!

I have become convinced that for me wigs are the only way, but others seem to think I will eventually be OK without one. Don't worry, I won't be pulling my hair out worrying about it!!!

Walking across the car park this morning, at University, I heard a sound that I have always loved. It was the sound of a woman in high heeled boots almost missinga step or as we say in England 'slurring a step'. That is not for any 'nasty reason, it is simply that it almost makes an unbeatable way for a girl to announce her pesence!

Until recently boots were simply an item of feminine footweat to me, yet another reason why women are different. I could understand why they were worn in the 19th centuy and before, but why bother in the 21st when muddy roads and travelling on horseback are a thing of the distant past??

As I near transition I do of course realise, they look brilliant, feel fantastic and for weieros like me make THAT noise!! I can't wait to get a pair, get into them and get out in them!!

Almost in the words of Nancy Sinatra, "Are you ready girls? Lets walk!!"