Last night I read Nikki Dream's blog. See:
http://nikkidreams.com/2008/07/21/all-the-love-and-all-the-promises/
or her web site:
http://nikkidreams.com/

On them Nikki has written a poem. But not just any old poem or girlish doggerel, but a heart felt 'scream' from deep within her heart of the final implosion of her relationship with her Significant Other (SO). Before I just 'nicked the poem for this blog I contacted Nikki to see if I could use it as to me the pain in what had just happened in her life flowed off the screen and mixed with all my own anguish. Indeed The poem is so strong I had to check that Nikki had actually written it herself!

This is what Niki said about writing the poem:
"Hi. Yes it is my poem. I wrote it last night immediately after my soon to be x left. She was over all day packing her stuff to move to a storage unit. I was crying my ass off writing it. Took me a couple hours to get over the days activities."

In my life I have hardly been the great 'Latin Lover' or even an 'English Eros'. Indeed I can probably say I only ever have had two 'proper' girlfriends (one I married and was with for 13 years, the other I've been with for 8 years), and both of them have all but destroyed me. The first probably due to her taking advantage of my inbuilt femininity, the second when I revealed that I had to pursue my dream of womanhood or die!

Why can they not realise how deep our longing for femininity and womanhood is? Why do we hurt so deeply at being abandoned by our SO? Will the pain ever really lesson, or is it true that that which doesn't destroy you makes you stronger?

For me and for Nikki and for so many of us this really will have been a good year for the roses! Please read the poem and see if you feel the hurt!

For whatever reason, until a short while ago this movie had totally passed me by. The movie is 'Orlando' staring Tilda Swanson. If I understand the plot correctly it is about a courtier from the Elizabethan era who travels through time to the present day.

Throughout the movie it is not made clear what sex he/she is. I think the song 'Coming' by Jimmy Somerville which ends the movie, as here, would make yet another brilliant TS anthem. The movie is visually stunning too. So pin back your lug holes and see what you think!! Or for friends across the pond take a listen!

The video below gives yet more examples of the beauty of the film's imagery and another chance to hear 'that' song!!

All I want is to be a woman, but am I about to take a step too far!!?? I posted a while ago that my tastes in music were changing, and I was beginning to appreciate artists I would never have gone within a million miles of a short wile ago! Celine Dion being the most noticeable example.

Then as I watched TV tonight there was an advertisement on for one of our Sunday newspapers. If there is a good free DVD or CD with the paper, I'll get it as I'll also get a full weeks listings of what's on TV. But when I saw the ad tonight I thought, "Oooh! I'll have to get that he's wonderful!!" But then I thought about who I'd just had the thought about and realised the almost life threatening problem I had developed!! (Well, maybe not exactly life threatening, but when I reveal all it may well cause irreparable damage to my credibility!!)

I cannot help thinking that tonight's thought gave proof, if proof were needed, that my good taste certainly is somewhat worryingly beginning no longer live up to its name. Is there anything I can do before I go too far?? Apparently many GGs love this artist, but I would imagine far more don't!! His name? (Purrrrlese don't tell) I'm whispering this by the way! Barry Manillow!!! There! I said it! Facing up to a problem like that is supposed to be the first step in dealing with it!

If I do get the newspaper tomorrow at least I'll have the weeks TV listings, and I do find that free CDs make good coasters for coffee cups! So yes, confessing even the smallest liking to that particular artist may be just a symptom of a far greater problem, I won't worry too much yet!! It's just what will ultimately happen to my good taste!!!

(The clip above was from a British comedy series of the 1980s, called 'Not the Nine O'clock News'', It stars Rowan Atkinson who later found international fame as Mr Bean))

The girl above (Not me by the way!!) is wearing a Court Jester's outfit. In the middle ages Court Jesters were supposed to keep Kings (and Queens) amused. They were also known as 'Fools'.

The title of this posting is a lyric from a song by 1970's American New Wave/Avant Garde band, Devo! And you'll be ecstatic to discover I couldn't find a decent video for the song on 'You Tube'! I think the song was called 'Social fools' but its not really important what the title was! What I wondered is does anyone else ever feel that society is simply trying to grind us into the ground! (At the time Devo were around it was so refreshing to discover USA could do music that was weird and interesting!)

Through trying the fit in with what I thought society required of me I came close to 'destroying' myself far more times than i would like to remember! But what is now worst to me, is all the years of womanhood I will never now have to enjoy, largely because I was stupid enough to start believing that the opinions of other people, who I don't even know, are far more important than my own life and how I should chose to lead it.

Several years ago I threw away all my female clothes, once again to fit in with society and it's apparent confusion between transvestites and transsexuals! I am NOT a bloke in a dress for some kind of sexual pleasure! I AM A WOMAN!! It's simply that my body does not yet match my mind! I was worried that wearing women's clothing regularly before starting hormones could mean society would perceive me as just a cross-dresser!

Thankfully my mistake in throwing away, my clothes, make-up and jewelry, was easily and very quickly rectified this week, by an order put into a mail-order catalogue. I wonder what the girl who delivered my order though was in the package, as I was that excited to have some lovely new outfits!! And that I had finally gotten over yet another example, of my being a fool for a society that doesn't really care!!

The picture above is by Salvador Dali of a woman's head exploding. Searching Goole, there were quite a few more pictures of the same subject I could have chosen, but they were perhaps just a little too realistic!!

I don't know if any other girls feel the same, but why are we given just so much to cope with in our lives? Other people wail they have 'too much to do' simply living one life in their lifetimes, but we will successful live two! And then we'll do all the other caring and compassionate things our community does too, without any complaints!

There's a saying, "God will never give you more in life than you can cope with." So why do I keep feeling like such a lot of my live can be summed up in this verse from "Five Years' by David Bowie? Especially the lyrics about, "My brain hurt like a warehouse!!"
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Pushing thru the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying
I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and t.v.s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought I'd need so many people
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Elsewhere I've used two of my favourite sayings in blogs, "Most die without ever having really lived." and "May you live all the days of your life." I'd like to think that I have LIVED but why does it appear, at least at the moment, that my one true desire - to be a woman - is far beyond me???

Yes I know it will happen, and in terms of my whole life it will be soon, but each day I can almost feel my head expanding to the point of explosion! I don't want to 'cram anymore things in my store'!!! I just want to finally get around to living the life I have been running away from for 33 years!!

If you don't know the song the clip below is of David Bowie singing it on a famous Rock Music programme in Britain all the way back in 1972! When I was just 9 years old!!

Yes, even I was young once, and OK it was a very, very, very, long time ago!! (lol)

I recently replied to a young lady's blog. Nothing special in that you may think, but when I saw the photograph, above, a thought came straight into my mind! (I think that may be about five thoughts I've had in 2008! If I'm not careful I may reach the dizzy heights of a thought a month!! (lol)) I think many of you may have met and know Jayna, I only really know her through the wonderful podcasts, but just to look at the photo you can tell she's a woman of power and care for our community!

Once again as in many of my blogs, it straight away sparked off a song title, which I included in my reply. (I'm going to stop apologising for the links to 'You Tube' Videos as I hope I may be educating some, and I like the tracks anyway ... So there!!) The song below is a wonderful track from the early 1970s by John Lennon, called "Power to the People!' I'm almost crying to think what treasures Lennon might have produced if he'd not been assassinated in New York in 1980! (Is Chapman back on the streets yet?)

I'm still a very young girl ... er ... OK ... make that a new girl then, so I don't know a lot of the facts about our community. Websites such as Lyn Conway's transsexual Women of success will help persuade the rest of society that we're nothing more than women who want to live our own lives in peace, but is anything being done on a large scale to get our point of view and desire for peaceful lives across to other people?

I still don't know that many girls personally, but I think I must know dozens on-line and to a girl they are some of the kindest, most generous, compassionate and caring people I know. We all have such a lot to offer this world, just give us the power!! Right-on!!

Why me, and why all the tears!! I am still to all outwards appearances (sadly) a man! It's the last thing I want to be, but at the moment everything seems to be working against my dream!!! And at the moment I simply cannot stop crying at the hand life appears to have dealt me! By which I don't just mean having been born a woman in a man's body, as I know within a few years my dream should become a reality ... there I did it again! Used the word 'should' rather than will!! I need to talk positive to myself but straight away I get into negative self-talk, there again 45 years of habit will take little time to undo!!

Actually, to be honest at the moment I simply cry at anything, other girls postings on-line, TV programs or movies, and even news items on the television. I suppose I could have started this post with 'Blue Bayou' by Linda Ronstadt, but I think I've been over doing the music links recently! Speaking of which that was one of the first 12" singles I bought, on blue vinyl too, over 30 years ago!! Oh heck!! Now I've started the tears over the passage of time!!

To coin a phrase, "Big Girls Don't Cry", but for some reason I certainly do!! I suppose it could largely be frustration at still not being the real me! And I wondered if any other girls suffer from 'waterworks' at often the most inopportune time? I've never reveled them all on-line but I do have six disabilities, when most people are more than satisfied with just one! (lol) And all I really want to be is a woman, is that too much to ask!!??

Hi Sisters,

As you may have noticed I simply adore being around all the girls on line, present company included, of course!!

However, due to health issues I still have not finished my University work to get my degree, so I should be putting every available minute into finishing the work. I have got an extension to do the work of up to 2 months i.e. the end of August.

Meanwhile, my transition appears to be going nowhere fast, by which I mean it looks like it may well be after the Summer before things start moving for me.

I am thinking that I had better retreat somewhat from posting, so I suppose I had possibly cut down to only posting once a week, say Sunday evenings! But I will miss everyone!

I thought I'd let you know what I was thinking of, in case you thought I had gone quiet and 'slipped off the radar.'

Hugs
Davinia

The sketch above is an absolute 'comedy classic' in Britain. Say 'Fork Handles' to anyone and it is almost guaranteed to raise a smile, as they will almost certainly be thinking about the sketch by the 'Two Ronnies' above, and that you meant 'Four Candles'! I chose the title for this post as it is possible you may have been thinking I was going to talk about the English poet, William Wordsworth' who's most well know poem is shown below. Words are something we all use each and every day but they are so easy to get stumble over.

However, I am just attempting to show how easily confusion can occur, especially with subjects you may not be totally 'at home' with. With my background in commercial writing, both as an advertising copywriter and as technical author, I'd like to think I can quickly understand most written things, but new girls could easily get confused by what certain terms actually mean! I would have thought at all girls need every help they can get to make their chosen past as smooth as possible. I just wondered if anything like 'An Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Woman' had ever been produced?

(If you've got a few minutes to spare I'd recommend watching the sketch again - it still makes me smile years after first seeing it!)

(The track above is 'Who are you?' by the legendary British band, The Who. The video was filmed before the legendary drummer, Keith Moon, died. For those who can not remember or are too young Keith lived the rock 'n' roll life style to the ultimate degree!)

Best be careful as I’ve already started one blog entry with the Velvet Underground lyrics written by Lou Reed but another song seemed to fit the frankly embarrassing thing that happened yesterday, perfectly. The song is called ‘I heard her call my name”
-------------------------------------------------
I know that she cares about me
I heard her call my name
And I know she's long dead and gone
still it ain't the same
Oh, when I wake up in the morning, mama
I heard her call my name
I know she's dead and long far gone
I heard her call my name
and then I felt my mind split open
-------------------------------------------------
I was ‘miles away’ in the morning doing my most vital work, sitting down answering life’s eternal questions … er … OK, daydreaming, when the telephone rang.

So I picked up the receiver, and answered in my usual male voice, as Davinia is not really here yet. “Hello” I said in my usual deep tone. Then the caller asked for Davinia. For a moment it totally threw me as I’d never yet heard anyone use my real name, the one I chose rather than the one given to me. I frankly got all confused and totally fumbled the call, it’s just as well that I’ll never hear from the caller again.

Turns out I’d entered a competition on line in Davinia’s name, giving my phone number, so it didn’t really matter that I didn’t reconised my own name when someone used it. However, I will be careful who’s name I enter competitions with in the future and really work on my female telephone voice.

Maybe it's just a natural part of our condition, but I seem to find myself worrying more about things than I ever have before. Things take even a little longer than I think they should and I am sinking in despair! Because of a health condition I want things to move forward to allow me to be a girl before I die, and guess what? Nothing is moving at all! (Grrr)

Anyway, in Britain at least, this is a Bank Holiday Weekend and that means Monday is a holiday for most. A time to relax a little and recharge our batteries and maybe, just maybe, totally relax, forget about our transitioning and have a weekend that's simply out of this world. Or at the very least make one day of this weekend ... just a perfect day!!

{The video is a a Promo for the BBC featuring some of the World's top music talent singing along to Lou Reed's 'Perfect Day'. It makes me feel good just to watch and listen to it}

And that sounds like a cue for a song from one of my all time favorite bands, The Velvet Underground.
----------------------------------
Here she ever comes now now
She ever comes now now
She ever comes now
Here she ever comes now now

She ever comes now now
She ever comes now
Oh Oh, it looks so good
Oh Oh, She's made out of wood
Just look and see
----------------------------------
The reason for saying ‘here she comes’ is that Davinia is finally fighting her way into existence, to be the caring woman David had always wanted to be and almost totally ruined his life by not becoming.

Last week I told my mother of my life long dream of being a girl and she said she was OK with it so long as it didn’t hurt me, or any others. To say I was ‘gobsmaked’ was far to mild a word for how I felt. I was also incredibly relived, but will she still the same when she sees her only son fully made up wearing a skirt?

Then the next day I went to see my doctor and told him of my lifelong dream, again he was very accepting and is referring me to the nearby gender clinic. Two of the most worrying people to tell told within one week and positive feedback from both! Not a bad start for a girl just starting out in life???
------------------------------------------------------------------------
That appeared back in March and things have barely moved since then! I can certainly understand girls taking the ultimate way out of our situation if this how quickly things move, or rather don't!

Anyway below is another, I think, superb track from The Velvet Underground about what in many ways all we girls could aspire to be, a 'Femme Fatale.'

Ten years ago a transsexual girl from, of all places, Israel won an international song contest which involves 43 European nations with a population of over 728 million. This was probably the biggest exposure our community has ever had! For an in-depth look at the details of the contest click here:
http://www.eurovision.tv/

Dana International who won the contest in 1998 just so happens to be the writer of one of the songs for this year's contest in Serbia. For details click here:
http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20080518/local/dana-gets-a-taste-of-vodka

Many European Nations treat the contest with deadly seriousness, but here in Britain we tend to treat it as a good excuse for a laugh. If you've really got nothing at all better to do it could well be worth watching the BBC-TV coverage if you can. The commentator, Terry Wogan, has made the gentle humorous reporting on the contest a tradition in the UK, while the rest of Europe treats the contest as a matter of national pride

Let's hope Dana wins best song, I've not heard it, but it could help our community!

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/2/objection-to-dsm-v-committee-members-on-gender-identity-disorders

Please click on the link above to go to a petition protesting about how so called scientists are attempting to prove that the reason for out transsexuality is simply that we gain sexual pleasure from dressing as women!

It would be funny but this is a group of government scientists. If they have their way it could well make life far more difficult for us and for many others around the world.

On the petition you are allowed to write why you object to what the committee are attempting to do, I basically said how dare they lump our community in with transvestites as our is a proven medical condition!

I did post about this topic a week or two ago , and I think this is representing the petition, but please take a couple of minutes to stop this horrendously ill-researched and ill-conceived idea going any further.

Thank You
Hugs
Davinia

I so love being called 'sweetie'!!! Now that is a sentence that if you had asked me a few months I would have told you where to go, and even a few weeks ago I might have found my self struggling with accepting being called it! But as I move towards femininity I can understand the charm and respect the word holds.

It does of course help that one of my best friends in the whole word insists on using the word towards me and when I hear it now it almost feels like a warm cuddle!! And there are not many words you can say that about. That's why I was surprised on the stink that was kicked up on the US election trail yesterday by the use of the word.
..................................................................................................................................

This from BBC News:

Obama sorry for 'sweetie' comment

Barack Obama, candidate for the Democratic Party's nomination to run for US president, has apologised to a reporter for calling her "sweetie".

Reporter Peggy Agar, of the WXYZ television network in Michigan, had shouted a question as Mr Obama toured a Chrysler car plant in Detroit.

Mr Obama said: "Hold on one second, sweetie" and did not answer.
He later left a message for Ms Agar saying it was a "bad habit" and he "meant no disrespect".

Ms Agar told the Detroit News: "I've been called worse."

The full story and a video of the incident is at:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7402101.stm
..................................................................................................................................
I just wondered if any other girls struggle with being called 'sweetie' or do they accept and enjoy it as I now do?

Indeed like the cat in this video, which funnily enough is called 'Sweetie', I almost 'Purr' when a fellow TS girl calls me it!

The song above is 'Sex and Drugs, and Rock and Roll' by the late great Ian Dury and his band the Blockheads. I was just browsing around You Tube and some old favourites, when I remembered this old track - it was 30 years ago that it was first released, but to a certain extent it illustrates a question that I am not sure how to answer!

You see on line last night I was asked by a man at what stage in my transition would I consider having sex with a man. He is in Egypt so it is unlikely we'd ever meet, but it got me thinking (A dangerous pastime - I know). I always thought the earliest time I would think about it would be after I had healed, when I will be as close as I can be in this life to a full woman.

Back to rock and roll, and I don't mean Joan Jett, I do love my music and still have loads of old fashioned vinyl albums and signals! As for the drugs in the song in our case I take it the drugs will be hormones!!!

Even as a man I always fully respected women for their choice of what to do with their bodies, but as a woman should I simply be prepared to satisfy any man who want's it??!

Walking across the car park this morning, at University, I heard a sound that I have always loved. It was the sound of a woman in high heeled boots almost missinga step or as we say in England 'slurring a step'. That is not for any 'nasty reason, it is simply that it almost makes an unbeatable way for a girl to announce her pesence!

Until recently boots were simply an item of feminine footweat to me, yet another reason why women are different. I could understand why they were worn in the 19th centuy and before, but why bother in the 21st when muddy roads and travelling on horseback are a thing of the distant past??

As I near transition I do of course realise, they look brilliant, feel fantastic and for weieros like me make THAT noise!! I can't wait to get a pair, get into them and get out in them!!

Almost in the words of Nancy Sinatra, "Are you ready girls? Lets walk!!"