All through all these years of wanting to be a woman, I dreamt at the end of it I would defiantly be a 'straight' girl, fancying boys. hopefully being fancied in return and ultimately experiencing new 'sensations' inside me!!

After all, went my thinking, to be a true woman you have to have fully experienced all the sexual nuances your body can experience! What would be the point in becoming a woman if you just spent your time with other women and became a lesbian? Don't get me wrong I have never had any problems with followers of Saphos, it's just that I never thought I would ever become one my self!!

However, and I will probably grow out of it very soon, why is it just about all the evil people in the world are male? Why are the nastiest and most uncaring people invariably men? Why are their bodies so often just ugly? If men were any good why do we girls so desperately want to change?

Don't worry, I'm just musing on my very existence and possible results of my transition. It was the video above that got me thinking, that and thinking about the male body this girls still inhabits. Does anyone else question things like their ultimate sexuality? Or am I just weird?? (Please don't answer that!!! (lol)

In case you are wondering 'batting for the other team' is yet another way of saying 'gay' in the UK.

Well they do say that getting married can be expensive. Ours was done on the cheap, but to me the cost was to prove to be unimaginable, not just financially and emotionally but in broken dreams and destroyed lives.

As a man I was so naïve that I believed my marriage vows, spoken at the high alter in front of god and naturally expected that my now wife would too. Well, that was a mistake to say the least, with the benefit of hindsight if I had followed my instincts and looked into immediately filing for divorce I would have been a woman for maybe 15 years and been able to enjoy the ‘best years of my life’ actually as the best years of my life!

It was to prove somewhat fitting that my wedding night began with a mass row and the two of us almost sleeping in separate beds. Someone had told Phoebe’s family that I suffered from terrible epilepsy, I didn’t and I don’t, but she wondered why I never told them that I did. Anyway after a honeymoon in the Lake District we got back to our newly bought and desperate to be done up house. In addition to rushing to do up the house before our son was born I was working all the hours in Manchester, still I had to go home sometimes which as you might expect for a young newly married man like me did have it rewards ………………… Phoebe worked nights so as soon as she left the house so could I!!! Fully dressed and made up!!

Please forgive my un-PC language, but the actual title of the John Lennon song above is 'Woman is the Nigger of the World.' By which he used such strong language to illustrate mankind's opinion about women!! They are good to have babies, to make love to and perform household tasks, but with a few notable exceptions women are still very much second class citizens!

And as transsexual women we are aiming to join and blend into the female world. We are currently members of the most powerful gender this world has ever seen - human males in an industrial world. Yes, men have messed up this whole world BIG STYLE, and our chosen gender usually cares about this planet and ALL its inhabitants, but the arguments put together by men usually win any discussions.

When we become women we are joining the 'weaker sex', vulnerable to the ideas and influences of man's attempts to take control of this 'island Earth', attempts which are doomed to failure, and as women we will not be strong enough to be able to influence anything as we will become the 'niggers of the world' and be second class citizens!

With thanks to Shania Twain for yet another corny video link into a blog! (come on you can tell me if this is getting too boring! I won't cry ... much!!) When I rediscovered this video tonight after maybe 10 year of last hearing it I suddenly discovered the hidden meaning to the chorus.

It's true! Every single day in every possible way my feminine side is getting stronger. Even as I walk down the street in my imagination I can feel my skirts brushing against my legs, I can almost taste my lipstick, smell my perfume and feel my handbag on my shoulder! I still have a very long way before I am one, but inside ... MAN!! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!!!

As a male my surname was Hill, so I suppose Phoebe's father's comment in his speech was quite 'entertaining', indeed 21 years later I remember it as if it was yesterday. However, about ten years ago I did do jury service and ended up as the Jury Forman (I hope they’ve now changed the term!!) I got to say “Guilty” to a woman we had to 'find on’ in court and judging by the way she broke down I would think she remembers my words in court! The difference being with good behavior she will have only been imprisoned for a few years I have carried my ‘punishment for over 20 years (My nickname in court was 'Hang 'em High Hill'.)

After the pub on that night we kissed and cuddled on her friend sofa, but it went no further. It was only a few days later that I saw her again and lost my virginity. As other girls will no doubt have experienced to enjoy (she lied) the most intimate of times I imagined that it was me getting made love to by the man I was, which I suppose could be described as the ultimate out of body experience!

We carried on dating (I hate that term), and it was during that time I reached one of the 'top of the world moments' that really means you have lived life. I had spent two years at art collage in Newcastle and decided I wanted to be an Advertising Copywriter. (They come up with ideas for advertisements for TV, press and radio etc.) I didn't like the idea of living in London, being a country girl at heart, so I looked for a job in the North. I ended up getting what was probably one of the best junior jobs outside London and should have been set for life whatever my sex.

The names have been changed on this letter to protect the girl's identity, but I thought you may be interested to see what 'delights!!' girls like us had to endure to become who we actually are. It also appears as if there are attempts being made to discredit transsexuality as an 'illness':
******************************************************************************************************
Dear XXXXXXXXXXX

I am nearly XX and I experienced these reparative therapies when they
were the conventional approach to treating gender variance in
Britain.

When I was 11 I told a district nurse that I was a girl and that led
to my being forcibly injected with testosterone. Forcibly as in
pinned to a table screaming until I passed out. Not once but on six
separate occasions. I that achieved was to integrate into my brain
was recurring nightmares that lasted until I transitioned!

When I was 42 I again asked help of the kind you seem to greatly
approve of. No enforced drug regime this was the modern world or
talking therapies. What that meant was to sit with a psychiatrist
who put on the table a piece of paper he said that `lets approach
this by agreeing you're a man and then we can write on the paper all
the issues that disturb you about masculinity'. Then we would both
sign it and discuss the issues. I said but Iam a women and for the
next three thirty minute appointments that piece of paper remained
blank and the psychiatrists mood became ever more combative and
assertive that I am a man. The atmosphere had more in keeping
with `the interrogation scene' in a very badly scripted crime movie
as he battered on about this and I would not consent to his initial
premise. Eventually at the end of the third appointment I asked him
if he would refer me for surgery (ok I hadn't heard of blanket bans
then) he said `no surgeon would agree to this because that is
mutilation' and expressed the opinion that I was perhaps I had
homosexual tendencies. Oh and he discharged me with no follow up. I
had gone into the first meeting blissfully assuming that I would be
helped to transition and came out and had a nervous breakdown that I
took years to get over.

Mr XXXXXXX I finally transitioned four years ago and since then in
XXXXXXXXXXXX I have fought and will continue fight everything that
your medieval attitudes represent. They are no more likely to work
than the diligent efforts of the Papal Inquisition to truly bring
about the recantation of heretics. Repression and intimidation
cannot work against those with courage and the absolute certainty
about their gender identity which are the men and women whom I have
the honour to know.

Mr XXXXXXX I am sure there is a place for you in society, if not as Ms
XXXXXXXX secretary then maybe administering the healthcare system
for transsexual's in XXXXXXX where you will find like minded people.

XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX
******************************************************************************************************
There really has never been a better time to be a girl, but it appears some may be out to stop us!!

In case you have forgotten the title of this posting is simply the title of a song from the musicals. I guess it was written by a man as it now sounds very sexist to me! That is one thing transitioning is doing for me, I certainly now identify with the sexism that is endemic in almost all areas of modern life. Elsewhere I have been chatting on a forum about a girl who has become a Muslim, I congratulated the girl on her bravery in following her convictions especially into a culture where women are seen as very much second class citizens. Strangely enough, I myself was severely criticised for using the word bravery and congratulating her, but not a word was said about the way she may be treated. This was a Transgendered Christian Forum! I had hoped it may spark a debate about the way we ladies are still treated in ALL societies but the 'C' word over-ruled that.

Anyway, maybe I should get a job designing road systems as the previous paragraph certainly took my thinking straight up a dead-end one-way street!!

What this posting was about is 'our community'. Amanda, above, is just one example. Despite having the dream for well over 30 years it is only since Christmas that I have really made THE decision. And since then I have been visiting girls, mainly on-line, on blogs and through message boards. You ladies are simply amazing and I don't just mean in the courage it takes to step out from society and effectively get our bodies mutilated to fit who we actually are. I am not saying this to get thousands of cards next Christmas - though that would be nice (lol), but of all the women (or men) I have ever met those in our community are the most welcoming and honest I have ever known. Very many of them I now feel are life-long friends.

If any new girl (like me) has a question we can almost guarantee a girl on-line will be able to answer it, feeling down (?) a chat with another girl will life you up and want to learnt how other girls have dealt with any problems the answers are there at the click of a mouse.

I suppose I could sat far more about things such as how welcoming these girls are and how many talents they have, but to make things simple, I'll just say again, "There ain't nothing like these dames!" If you are about to begin your journey make them your friends too!