My last posting marked the collapse of my relationship with Ann, my SO! I suppose no news is good news, and as I have not heard a word from her, I am now totally free to go ahead with my transition without worrying what she thinks, Or perhaps more importantly what her friends think!

But before you start to think I am a cruel unfeeling bitch (I am practicing the 'bitch' bit a little, but I'm not 'cruel and unfeeling') due to the collapse of my relationship I've spent most of the week laid up in bed hiding from the world, when I have had so much to do, not least getting my transition truly on track. Sadly, that's not something I can do whilst staring in bed!!

I wonder if any other girls have a bed like mine? The kind where when you should be getting up it gives you a big hug and whispers lullabies in your ears?

For me and I suppose most of us my dream of womanhood started very many years ago. In my case I can almost certainly say that that was before most of the girls reading the blogs on Live Journal were born! That was 33 tears ago in my case! And in all that time the dream never dimmed whatever I did to attempt to deny it!

Over the years I have spent countless hours imagining what it would be like to finally be a woman and each day is bringing me closer to changing the life-long dream into a reality so that I will not have to imagine any longer. That's the reason I started this blog with 'Imagine' by John Lennon.

Becoming a woman has been a waking dream for decades, but I just wish my dream of going to sleep as a boy and waking up a girl could have come true! I remember years ago when I was involved in one of those Network Marketing 'things' hearing the saying that 'When the people lack vision they perish!' I think the same goes for dreams! And as dreams of womanhood have played such a huge part in all our lives our they really will come true.

A girlfriend of mine rang me earlier to see about an appointment, which sadly I missed this morning. Whilst we were talking she noticed a possible way for me to get through the 'log-jam' my transition appears to have fallen into. So tomorrow I'll be making a phone call which could go along way into turning my dream into a reality!

Well, don’t you just have to laugh? Well, at the moment if I didn’t I’d cry! This morning I had an appointment at the local hospital with a physiatrist, which I thought was THE appointment. Where it would finally be decided if I was going to finally become a girl!

The hopes and dreams of all my past life and all my wishes for the future were reliant on the result of this morning’s session. If my dream died I had almost decided I should do the same, I have been a man for at least 20 years longer than I should have been and to continue this hateful existence would simply be beyond all endurance!!

After a very fitful night’s sleep, tossing and turning and imagining the female me being the one who was getting up, bathing, dressing applying her make-up and doing her hair -just so I left home quite early in the morning to avoid any transport problems. It’s 12 miles to the hospital down a road with few passing places. Arriving at the hospital I was able to relax over a cup of Americano and wait for THE time to see THE physiatrist!!

Only when I got to see the physiatrist I discovered he knew nothing at all about my ideas of transition!! This was purely to deal with long term psychiatric problems that began when my ex-wife, who I call Phoebe because she really was the “Physco Bitch from Hell”, destroyed our marriage, our family home and my life.

So having built myself up that this was THE day, I had to quickly get over it and use my time to finally give the whole true story of my breakdown. For the first time coming totally clear about my long-term transsexual feelings and how I had got married largely in an attempt to avoid them! It became all too obvious that when I first met Phoebe and tried to ‘be a man’ without wanting to be, that that was when my life started unravelling added to that the fact that the girl who had seduced me really was a “Physco Bitch from Hell” and my life was set to be, and did become, a very bumpy ride.

This was the first time I had ever been totally honest with a physiatrist about the whole of ME, having always kept Davinia hidden for fear of the unknown and having talked foe over an hour about the relationships between the parts of me and their history, whilst the day was far from what I hoped it gave me marvellous ground work for THE day whenever that may now be!!! (To be honest I really do feel like pulling my hair out, but then I really will have to wear a wig forever!!)