All I want is to be a woman, but am I about to take a step too far!!?? I posted a while ago that my tastes in music were changing, and I was beginning to appreciate artists I would never have gone within a million miles of a short wile ago! Celine Dion being the most noticeable example.

Then as I watched TV tonight there was an advertisement on for one of our Sunday newspapers. If there is a good free DVD or CD with the paper, I'll get it as I'll also get a full weeks listings of what's on TV. But when I saw the ad tonight I thought, "Oooh! I'll have to get that he's wonderful!!" But then I thought about who I'd just had the thought about and realised the almost life threatening problem I had developed!! (Well, maybe not exactly life threatening, but when I reveal all it may well cause irreparable damage to my credibility!!)

I cannot help thinking that tonight's thought gave proof, if proof were needed, that my good taste certainly is somewhat worryingly beginning no longer live up to its name. Is there anything I can do before I go too far?? Apparently many GGs love this artist, but I would imagine far more don't!! His name? (Purrrrlese don't tell) I'm whispering this by the way! Barry Manillow!!! There! I said it! Facing up to a problem like that is supposed to be the first step in dealing with it!

If I do get the newspaper tomorrow at least I'll have the weeks TV listings, and I do find that free CDs make good coasters for coffee cups! So yes, confessing even the smallest liking to that particular artist may be just a symptom of a far greater problem, I won't worry too much yet!! It's just what will ultimately happen to my good taste!!!

(The clip above was from a British comedy series of the 1980s, called 'Not the Nine O'clock News'', It stars Rowan Atkinson who later found international fame as Mr Bean))

The girl above (Not me by the way!!) is wearing a Court Jester's outfit. In the middle ages Court Jesters were supposed to keep Kings (and Queens) amused. They were also known as 'Fools'.

The title of this posting is a lyric from a song by 1970's American New Wave/Avant Garde band, Devo! And you'll be ecstatic to discover I couldn't find a decent video for the song on 'You Tube'! I think the song was called 'Social fools' but its not really important what the title was! What I wondered is does anyone else ever feel that society is simply trying to grind us into the ground! (At the time Devo were around it was so refreshing to discover USA could do music that was weird and interesting!)

Through trying the fit in with what I thought society required of me I came close to 'destroying' myself far more times than i would like to remember! But what is now worst to me, is all the years of womanhood I will never now have to enjoy, largely because I was stupid enough to start believing that the opinions of other people, who I don't even know, are far more important than my own life and how I should chose to lead it.

Several years ago I threw away all my female clothes, once again to fit in with society and it's apparent confusion between transvestites and transsexuals! I am NOT a bloke in a dress for some kind of sexual pleasure! I AM A WOMAN!! It's simply that my body does not yet match my mind! I was worried that wearing women's clothing regularly before starting hormones could mean society would perceive me as just a cross-dresser!

Thankfully my mistake in throwing away, my clothes, make-up and jewelry, was easily and very quickly rectified this week, by an order put into a mail-order catalogue. I wonder what the girl who delivered my order though was in the package, as I was that excited to have some lovely new outfits!! And that I had finally gotten over yet another example, of my being a fool for a society that doesn't really care!!

I recently replied to a young lady's blog. Nothing special in that you may think, but when I saw the photograph, above, a thought came straight into my mind! (I think that may be about five thoughts I've had in 2008! If I'm not careful I may reach the dizzy heights of a thought a month!! (lol)) I think many of you may have met and know Jayna, I only really know her through the wonderful podcasts, but just to look at the photo you can tell she's a woman of power and care for our community!

Once again as in many of my blogs, it straight away sparked off a song title, which I included in my reply. (I'm going to stop apologising for the links to 'You Tube' Videos as I hope I may be educating some, and I like the tracks anyway ... So there!!) The song below is a wonderful track from the early 1970s by John Lennon, called "Power to the People!' I'm almost crying to think what treasures Lennon might have produced if he'd not been assassinated in New York in 1980! (Is Chapman back on the streets yet?)

I'm still a very young girl ... er ... OK ... make that a new girl then, so I don't know a lot of the facts about our community. Websites such as Lyn Conway's transsexual Women of success will help persuade the rest of society that we're nothing more than women who want to live our own lives in peace, but is anything being done on a large scale to get our point of view and desire for peaceful lives across to other people?

I still don't know that many girls personally, but I think I must know dozens on-line and to a girl they are some of the kindest, most generous, compassionate and caring people I know. We all have such a lot to offer this world, just give us the power!! Right-on!!

Why me, and why all the tears!! I am still to all outwards appearances (sadly) a man! It's the last thing I want to be, but at the moment everything seems to be working against my dream!!! And at the moment I simply cannot stop crying at the hand life appears to have dealt me! By which I don't just mean having been born a woman in a man's body, as I know within a few years my dream should become a reality ... there I did it again! Used the word 'should' rather than will!! I need to talk positive to myself but straight away I get into negative self-talk, there again 45 years of habit will take little time to undo!!

Actually, to be honest at the moment I simply cry at anything, other girls postings on-line, TV programs or movies, and even news items on the television. I suppose I could have started this post with 'Blue Bayou' by Linda Ronstadt, but I think I've been over doing the music links recently! Speaking of which that was one of the first 12" singles I bought, on blue vinyl too, over 30 years ago!! Oh heck!! Now I've started the tears over the passage of time!!

To coin a phrase, "Big Girls Don't Cry", but for some reason I certainly do!! I suppose it could largely be frustration at still not being the real me! And I wondered if any other girls suffer from 'waterworks' at often the most inopportune time? I've never reveled them all on-line but I do have six disabilities, when most people are more than satisfied with just one! (lol) And all I really want to be is a woman, is that too much to ask!!??

Tonight I was watching the film 'Roxanne' with Steve Martin at his finest. The clip above is 20 better ways to describe a big nose, which to my mind is an all time comedy classic! But when I was busy 'laughing my socks off, at the film I suddenly realized I have what I can only describe as a high volume problem!!

You see, when I find something truly funny I laugh long, hard and and above all LOUD!! Which in many ways is good, especially if I am at a live performance, but unfortunately it is far from feminine! At least all the women I know seem to titter, rather than guffaw.

When something is funny, it's a natural reaction to laugh, which is fine, but does anyone have any ideas as to how I can turn down my volume??? I suppose I could simply try to avoid anything I might find humorous, but I still want to enjoy life, and you never can tell when something just might make you laugh!

Well they do say that getting married can be expensive. Ours was done on the cheap, but to me the cost was to prove to be unimaginable, not just financially and emotionally but in broken dreams and destroyed lives.

As a man I was so naïve that I believed my marriage vows, spoken at the high alter in front of god and naturally expected that my now wife would too. Well, that was a mistake to say the least, with the benefit of hindsight if I had followed my instincts and looked into immediately filing for divorce I would have been a woman for maybe 15 years and been able to enjoy the ‘best years of my life’ actually as the best years of my life!

It was to prove somewhat fitting that my wedding night began with a mass row and the two of us almost sleeping in separate beds. Someone had told Phoebe’s family that I suffered from terrible epilepsy, I didn’t and I don’t, but she wondered why I never told them that I did. Anyway after a honeymoon in the Lake District we got back to our newly bought and desperate to be done up house. In addition to rushing to do up the house before our son was born I was working all the hours in Manchester, still I had to go home sometimes which as you might expect for a young newly married man like me did have it rewards ………………… Phoebe worked nights so as soon as she left the house so could I!!! Fully dressed and made up!!

With thanks to Freddie Mercury and Queen, this girl really does feel to be 'Going slightly mad!!!'

I stopped posting for a while to get on with my University work, but it hasn't worked!! All that's happened is that I've got increasingly depressed and spent more and more time sleeping! It often felt that even my dreams of womanhood were hanging by a thread, indeed there were times my life felt to be in the same position Last weekend when I spent almost 48 hours asleep in bed I decided that I needed my girlfriends on-line more than anything, so I hope you'll welcome me back.

Whilst I've been off-line I've discovered that under my Health Authority it will be at least two years before I can even start to transition, but thankfully I have a friend who has explained a faster way forward through a doctor in London. However, i still need to do that University work to sort out a situation which I have been aware of even longer than my transsexualism!! Now what a way to get my self motivated to do the work? As soon as I finish I can truly start my journey!! So if I don't do the work I don't become a woman! Now that IS a REAL nightmare!!

To quote Gloria Esterfan, I tried to, but "I can't stay away from you!"

Hi Sisters,

As you may have noticed I simply adore being around all the girls on line, present company included, of course!!

However, due to health issues I still have not finished my University work to get my degree, so I should be putting every available minute into finishing the work. I have got an extension to do the work of up to 2 months i.e. the end of August.

Meanwhile, my transition appears to be going nowhere fast, by which I mean it looks like it may well be after the Summer before things start moving for me.

I am thinking that I had better retreat somewhat from posting, so I suppose I had possibly cut down to only posting once a week, say Sunday evenings! But I will miss everyone!

I thought I'd let you know what I was thinking of, in case you thought I had gone quiet and 'slipped off the radar.'

Hugs
Davinia

The sketch above is an absolute 'comedy classic' in Britain. Say 'Fork Handles' to anyone and it is almost guaranteed to raise a smile, as they will almost certainly be thinking about the sketch by the 'Two Ronnies' above, and that you meant 'Four Candles'! I chose the title for this post as it is possible you may have been thinking I was going to talk about the English poet, William Wordsworth' who's most well know poem is shown below. Words are something we all use each and every day but they are so easy to get stumble over.

However, I am just attempting to show how easily confusion can occur, especially with subjects you may not be totally 'at home' with. With my background in commercial writing, both as an advertising copywriter and as technical author, I'd like to think I can quickly understand most written things, but new girls could easily get confused by what certain terms actually mean! I would have thought at all girls need every help they can get to make their chosen past as smooth as possible. I just wondered if anything like 'An Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Woman' had ever been produced?

(If you've got a few minutes to spare I'd recommend watching the sketch again - it still makes me smile years after first seeing it!)

(The track above is 'Who are you?' by the legendary British band, The Who. The video was filmed before the legendary drummer, Keith Moon, died. For those who can not remember or are too young Keith lived the rock 'n' roll life style to the ultimate degree!)

Best be careful as I’ve already started one blog entry with the Velvet Underground lyrics written by Lou Reed but another song seemed to fit the frankly embarrassing thing that happened yesterday, perfectly. The song is called ‘I heard her call my name”
-------------------------------------------------
I know that she cares about me
I heard her call my name
And I know she's long dead and gone
still it ain't the same
Oh, when I wake up in the morning, mama
I heard her call my name
I know she's dead and long far gone
I heard her call my name
and then I felt my mind split open
-------------------------------------------------
I was ‘miles away’ in the morning doing my most vital work, sitting down answering life’s eternal questions … er … OK, daydreaming, when the telephone rang.

So I picked up the receiver, and answered in my usual male voice, as Davinia is not really here yet. “Hello” I said in my usual deep tone. Then the caller asked for Davinia. For a moment it totally threw me as I’d never yet heard anyone use my real name, the one I chose rather than the one given to me. I frankly got all confused and totally fumbled the call, it’s just as well that I’ll never hear from the caller again.

Turns out I’d entered a competition on line in Davinia’s name, giving my phone number, so it didn’t really matter that I didn’t reconised my own name when someone used it. However, I will be careful who’s name I enter competitions with in the future and really work on my female telephone voice.

I think all we girls must have had a Damascus Road experience, and no I don't mean when we went on a holiday to Syria! I mean that moment when we knew that we knew that we knew that we were women trapped in a man's body.

Thirty three years after I first knew the moment of my realisation is still totally fresh! Out of the whole of my childhood it was the moment that still stands afresh. It marked the start of this fantastic voyage into womanhood. Hence the track, Start, from 1980 by one of my all time favourites, The Jam!

I remember exactly where I was when the dream started in me, I even remember the girls around me, their clothes, their names and even their hairstyles! I can remember the room, the teacher and which other pupils were in the class

However, over 30 years later I am still a very frustrated transsexual who is finally giving in to the deep and strong conviction that what was revealed to her in a Drama Class all those years ago is the most vital part of her life story. However, whilst not giving up on my dream in any of those years, i was looking for the quiet life and did what society expected from a boy like me in a working class area like I lived in.

I just wondered how exactly can others place the start of their dreams of womanhood?

Maybe it's just a natural part of our condition, but I seem to find myself worrying more about things than I ever have before. Things take even a little longer than I think they should and I am sinking in despair! Because of a health condition I want things to move forward to allow me to be a girl before I die, and guess what? Nothing is moving at all! (Grrr)

Anyway, in Britain at least, this is a Bank Holiday Weekend and that means Monday is a holiday for most. A time to relax a little and recharge our batteries and maybe, just maybe, totally relax, forget about our transitioning and have a weekend that's simply out of this world. Or at the very least make one day of this weekend ... just a perfect day!!

{The video is a a Promo for the BBC featuring some of the World's top music talent singing along to Lou Reed's 'Perfect Day'. It makes me feel good just to watch and listen to it}

OK! So the unique animal above is actually a 'Duck Billed Platypus', but a quick search on You Tube came up with no results for 'Platitudes'. In case you are wondering, a platitude is a obvious remark or statement.

I'm just a little concerned that some girls may think that is all I do, saying 'nice' things and hardly ever arguing. My words come from genuine respect and care built up over 33 years of transsexualism, which I am only now starting to do something about. Yes I was a late developer and NO I am not that old!!! I fully understand the awesome courage ad strength of mind it takes to decide to correct an error nature and the knocks and blows we girls get from 'normal' society.

To me this blog site and others have become a second home where I feel accepted and have already made friends which I hope may last a lifetime, wherever we are in the world all we girls have a common bond and thanks to the internet those bonds even stretch to the home of my platypus fried above.

Ten years ago a transsexual girl from, of all places, Israel won an international song contest which involves 43 European nations with a population of over 728 million. This was probably the biggest exposure our community has ever had! For an in-depth look at the details of the contest click here:
http://www.eurovision.tv/

Dana International who won the contest in 1998 just so happens to be the writer of one of the songs for this year's contest in Serbia. For details click here:
http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20080518/local/dana-gets-a-taste-of-vodka

Many European Nations treat the contest with deadly seriousness, but here in Britain we tend to treat it as a good excuse for a laugh. If you've really got nothing at all better to do it could well be worth watching the BBC-TV coverage if you can. The commentator, Terry Wogan, has made the gentle humorous reporting on the contest a tradition in the UK, while the rest of Europe treats the contest as a matter of national pride

Let's hope Dana wins best song, I've not heard it, but it could help our community!

I said in my last blog that I had an important telephone call to make today, hence the video above 'Telephone - Long Distance Love Affair' by Sheena Easton. From 1984, when I should have been looking to transition, the video is incredibly 'cheesy' - and if the characters in it were the kind of men she liked - I really don't fancy hers at ALL!

Anyway, I had to get in touch with the psychiatrist, who I had been seeing for a while about the problems caused by the breakdown of my marriage, to see if they could help move my transition forward. As I didn't know if I was going to be talking to the psychiatrist or his secretary I was dreading making the call. I put off ringing until almost the last possible moment and wrote myself a 'script' of what I wanted to say.

Taking a very deep breath I keyed in the number and as the psychiatrist was out of the office I read my script to his secretary, expecting her to think, "What the hell is he talking about." So it was such a relief when she said the letter from him to say he's more than happy with my transition will be on my doctors desk tomorrow! It was so good to see that some people will do even more than they really need to!

I don’t suppose it is something that any non-transsexual could ever understand, and I am not even sure that most of the girls on here would have done what I did, I am not even totally sure why I used to do it, unless like me they had tried to keep their transsexuality under wraps by getting married or finding a female partner, to fit in with their appointed place in society.

It is sad, but true, the only way I could ever seem to … er … rise to the occasion was by imagining I was the woman who was being made love to by someone else, i.e.ME!! Just in case you think it sounds like the ultimate case of self-love, I do know that some other girls have done the same, and like me it was the only way they could … er … get lead in their pencils! (Message to self – posts reading like a naughty seaside post card DO NOT show off your femininity in the best light)

Anyway, and I don’t know about other girls who allowed themselves to be ‘trapped’ in the male gender. But it was commented on by several people that when I came to being male I was strange. That sounds like a queue for a song
_______________________________________________________
People Are Strange - The Doors
(J. Morrisin & R. Kruger)

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange_
People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

Jim Morrison was depressed. He went to Robbie Krieger's house, they went to a canyon to watch a sunset, at which time Jim realized he was depressed because "if you're strange, people are strange." He then wrote the rest of the lyrics.
_______________________________________________________

To be honest even when performing the sex act as a man I felt disgusted with myself for apparently being so intimate with someone whilst my mind and, to me, body was somewhere else, even if I thought of my body as being the woman below me!

Having spoken to a few girls who are now complete women, I now know what an amazing experience I have to look forward to in my first time with a man as a woman. Whilst I have been undergoing the ‘Dark Decade of the Soul’ (As opposed to a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ where you are down at the bottom of your pit for just one night) I have had no desire to have sex with or as either gender.

Now as I see Davinia coming to the fore in my life, I fully realise I no longer need the meat and two veg (as I heard them described) and the sooner I finally get rid of my outward signs of masculinity the better.

Any genetic males reading this will hardly understand what I mean as they place such ‘pride’ in their ‘equipment’. But it is something I don’t want, didn’t ask for and don’t need in its current form, all it really does now is allow me to urinate and remind me of a life I desperately want to forget.

Imagining you are making love to yourself as a girl when you are making love to a girl is quite simply unnatural, not to mention a little complicated, I seem to remember talking to the girl me instead of my wife onetime!!!!

Becoming the woman I have always known I am will make everyone’s lives so much easier, even if on occasion love making may turn into opening my legs and ‘thinking of England”!!!

There are some brilliant things to come out of Wales, and I don't just mean the M5 motorway! (lol) There are singers such as Tom Jones (who we women used to throw our knickers at in the 60s - I just hope they were clean!!), brilliant Actors such as Richard Burton or Anthony Hopkins and writers such as Dylan Thomas. I would also include the group Manic Street Preachers, who's album 'This is my truth, tell me yours' includes the track 'Born a girl'.

The lyrics to the song are reproduced below and I would probably have it playing in the background if I could work out how to do it. (I don't know, finally starting out as a woman [most of the time] and already my technical know-how has disappeared.) The chorus of the song sings out to me so strongly it nearly bursts my ear drums. I have been a vegetarian for 15 years, but if wishes did come true when you pull the wish-bone I'd be having Chicken Tonight and ever night, because I really do 'wish I had been born a girl'. And as a man the word 'Mess' is far too mild to describe the wreck I had become.
------------------
Born a Girl

Do I look good for you tonight
Will you accuse me as I hide
Behind these layers of disguise
In the mirrors of my own happiness

I’ve loved the freedom of being inside
Need a new start and a different time
Something grows in the space between me
And it’s twisting and changing this fragile body

And I wish I had been born a girl instead of what I am
Yes I wish I had been born a girl and not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man

The censorship of my skin
Is screaming inside and from within
There’s no room in this world for a girl like me
And place around there where I fit in

And I wish I had been born a girl instead of what I am
Yes I wish I had been born a girl and not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man
And not this mess of a man
------------------
To me it could almost be the TS theme tune, but what do others think?
Click below to listen!:
http://www.last.fm/music/Manic+Street+Preachers/_/Born+a+Girl

I am a very new girl in terms of actually beginning to transition and as I say I honestly do not believe there has ever been a better time to become a girl! On-line over the past few months I have developed a whole network of intelligent, caring and talented 'sisters' who I love and care for dearly.

With the talents my 'sisters' posses we could almost take on the whole world together and make life better for transsexual girls everywhere. But I don't even know some of the basics, such as is 'sisters' an accepted phrase to describe 'fellow travellers'?

If 'sisters' is acceptable way of describing members of our community I think this song by the English group The Eurythmics 'Sisters are Doing it for Themselves' would be a superb anthem for us. (Especially in the original version with Aretha Franklin http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=BqU8407iof8 (which won't embed))

As a male my surname was Hill, so I suppose Phoebe's father's comment in his speech was quite 'entertaining', indeed 21 years later I remember it as if it was yesterday. However, about ten years ago I did do jury service and ended up as the Jury Forman (I hope they’ve now changed the term!!) I got to say “Guilty” to a woman we had to 'find on’ in court and judging by the way she broke down I would think she remembers my words in court! The difference being with good behavior she will have only been imprisoned for a few years I have carried my ‘punishment for over 20 years (My nickname in court was 'Hang 'em High Hill'.)

After the pub on that night we kissed and cuddled on her friend sofa, but it went no further. It was only a few days later that I saw her again and lost my virginity. As other girls will no doubt have experienced to enjoy (she lied) the most intimate of times I imagined that it was me getting made love to by the man I was, which I suppose could be described as the ultimate out of body experience!

We carried on dating (I hate that term), and it was during that time I reached one of the 'top of the world moments' that really means you have lived life. I had spent two years at art collage in Newcastle and decided I wanted to be an Advertising Copywriter. (They come up with ideas for advertisements for TV, press and radio etc.) I didn't like the idea of living in London, being a country girl at heart, so I looked for a job in the North. I ended up getting what was probably one of the best junior jobs outside London and should have been set for life whatever my sex.

The names have been changed on this letter to protect the girl's identity, but I thought you may be interested to see what 'delights!!' girls like us had to endure to become who we actually are. It also appears as if there are attempts being made to discredit transsexuality as an 'illness':
******************************************************************************************************
Dear XXXXXXXXXXX

I am nearly XX and I experienced these reparative therapies when they
were the conventional approach to treating gender variance in
Britain.

When I was 11 I told a district nurse that I was a girl and that led
to my being forcibly injected with testosterone. Forcibly as in
pinned to a table screaming until I passed out. Not once but on six
separate occasions. I that achieved was to integrate into my brain
was recurring nightmares that lasted until I transitioned!

When I was 42 I again asked help of the kind you seem to greatly
approve of. No enforced drug regime this was the modern world or
talking therapies. What that meant was to sit with a psychiatrist
who put on the table a piece of paper he said that `lets approach
this by agreeing you're a man and then we can write on the paper all
the issues that disturb you about masculinity'. Then we would both
sign it and discuss the issues. I said but Iam a women and for the
next three thirty minute appointments that piece of paper remained
blank and the psychiatrists mood became ever more combative and
assertive that I am a man. The atmosphere had more in keeping
with `the interrogation scene' in a very badly scripted crime movie
as he battered on about this and I would not consent to his initial
premise. Eventually at the end of the third appointment I asked him
if he would refer me for surgery (ok I hadn't heard of blanket bans
then) he said `no surgeon would agree to this because that is
mutilation' and expressed the opinion that I was perhaps I had
homosexual tendencies. Oh and he discharged me with no follow up. I
had gone into the first meeting blissfully assuming that I would be
helped to transition and came out and had a nervous breakdown that I
took years to get over.

Mr XXXXXXX I finally transitioned four years ago and since then in
XXXXXXXXXXXX I have fought and will continue fight everything that
your medieval attitudes represent. They are no more likely to work
than the diligent efforts of the Papal Inquisition to truly bring
about the recantation of heretics. Repression and intimidation
cannot work against those with courage and the absolute certainty
about their gender identity which are the men and women whom I have
the honour to know.

Mr XXXXXXX I am sure there is a place for you in society, if not as Ms
XXXXXXXX secretary then maybe administering the healthcare system
for transsexual's in XXXXXXX where you will find like minded people.

XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX
******************************************************************************************************
There really has never been a better time to be a girl, but it appears some may be out to stop us!!