Last night I read Nikki Dream's blog. See:
http://nikkidreams.com/2008/07/21/all-the-love-and-all-the-promises/
or her web site:
http://nikkidreams.com/

On them Nikki has written a poem. But not just any old poem or girlish doggerel, but a heart felt 'scream' from deep within her heart of the final implosion of her relationship with her Significant Other (SO). Before I just 'nicked the poem for this blog I contacted Nikki to see if I could use it as to me the pain in what had just happened in her life flowed off the screen and mixed with all my own anguish. Indeed The poem is so strong I had to check that Nikki had actually written it herself!

This is what Niki said about writing the poem:
"Hi. Yes it is my poem. I wrote it last night immediately after my soon to be x left. She was over all day packing her stuff to move to a storage unit. I was crying my ass off writing it. Took me a couple hours to get over the days activities."

In my life I have hardly been the great 'Latin Lover' or even an 'English Eros'. Indeed I can probably say I only ever have had two 'proper' girlfriends (one I married and was with for 13 years, the other I've been with for 8 years), and both of them have all but destroyed me. The first probably due to her taking advantage of my inbuilt femininity, the second when I revealed that I had to pursue my dream of womanhood or die!

Why can they not realise how deep our longing for femininity and womanhood is? Why do we hurt so deeply at being abandoned by our SO? Will the pain ever really lesson, or is it true that that which doesn't destroy you makes you stronger?

For me and for Nikki and for so many of us this really will have been a good year for the roses! Please read the poem and see if you feel the hurt!

All through all these years of wanting to be a woman, I dreamt at the end of it I would defiantly be a 'straight' girl, fancying boys. hopefully being fancied in return and ultimately experiencing new 'sensations' inside me!!

After all, went my thinking, to be a true woman you have to have fully experienced all the sexual nuances your body can experience! What would be the point in becoming a woman if you just spent your time with other women and became a lesbian? Don't get me wrong I have never had any problems with followers of Saphos, it's just that I never thought I would ever become one my self!!

However, and I will probably grow out of it very soon, why is it just about all the evil people in the world are male? Why are the nastiest and most uncaring people invariably men? Why are their bodies so often just ugly? If men were any good why do we girls so desperately want to change?

Don't worry, I'm just musing on my very existence and possible results of my transition. It was the video above that got me thinking, that and thinking about the male body this girls still inhabits. Does anyone else question things like their ultimate sexuality? Or am I just weird?? (Please don't answer that!!! (lol)

In case you are wondering 'batting for the other team' is yet another way of saying 'gay' in the UK.

For whatever reason, until a short while ago this movie had totally passed me by. The movie is 'Orlando' staring Tilda Swanson. If I understand the plot correctly it is about a courtier from the Elizabethan era who travels through time to the present day.

Throughout the movie it is not made clear what sex he/she is. I think the song 'Coming' by Jimmy Somerville which ends the movie, as here, would make yet another brilliant TS anthem. The movie is visually stunning too. So pin back your lug holes and see what you think!! Or for friends across the pond take a listen!

The video below gives yet more examples of the beauty of the film's imagery and another chance to hear 'that' song!!

The girl above (Not me by the way!!) is wearing a Court Jester's outfit. In the middle ages Court Jesters were supposed to keep Kings (and Queens) amused. They were also known as 'Fools'.

The title of this posting is a lyric from a song by 1970's American New Wave/Avant Garde band, Devo! And you'll be ecstatic to discover I couldn't find a decent video for the song on 'You Tube'! I think the song was called 'Social fools' but its not really important what the title was! What I wondered is does anyone else ever feel that society is simply trying to grind us into the ground! (At the time Devo were around it was so refreshing to discover USA could do music that was weird and interesting!)

Through trying the fit in with what I thought society required of me I came close to 'destroying' myself far more times than i would like to remember! But what is now worst to me, is all the years of womanhood I will never now have to enjoy, largely because I was stupid enough to start believing that the opinions of other people, who I don't even know, are far more important than my own life and how I should chose to lead it.

Several years ago I threw away all my female clothes, once again to fit in with society and it's apparent confusion between transvestites and transsexuals! I am NOT a bloke in a dress for some kind of sexual pleasure! I AM A WOMAN!! It's simply that my body does not yet match my mind! I was worried that wearing women's clothing regularly before starting hormones could mean society would perceive me as just a cross-dresser!

Thankfully my mistake in throwing away, my clothes, make-up and jewelry, was easily and very quickly rectified this week, by an order put into a mail-order catalogue. I wonder what the girl who delivered my order though was in the package, as I was that excited to have some lovely new outfits!! And that I had finally gotten over yet another example, of my being a fool for a society that doesn't really care!!

The video above, from 1978. was for a song called 'Wuthering Heights' by Kate Bush. Back when it was released, it was number one in out music charts (in Britain) for weeks, people used to be appalled at the way she 'screeched' as she sang! But all these years later I still love the song!

As you have probably realised, 'Wuthering Heights' relates to Emily Brontë's only novel. The Brontës lived in a place called Howorth in Yorkshire which is only a few miles from the town I live in, indeed from what I remember several family members are buried in the local graveyard. Branwell, Emily's brother used to work at a railway station just a few miles down the track from my town too.

I've been part of the transgendered community for over 6 months now, yet I have still actually revelled the name of the small town I live in to very few. The country side here is stunning, the town is packed with history, and more than our fare share of famous people come from here, it's even quite a famous UFO site!! Actually it is internationally famous for its UFO visitations!!

I would love to reveal more about me and the town I love, indeed I was born here!! But in a town of about 18 000 inhabitants would it be safe to reveal who I actually am as like many small towns we have more than our fair share of bigots! I remember reading something several months ago that it was vital not to reveal too much about yourself on-line! Am I being just a little too careful or am I being eminently sensible?

The picture above is by Salvador Dali of a woman's head exploding. Searching Goole, there were quite a few more pictures of the same subject I could have chosen, but they were perhaps just a little too realistic!!

I don't know if any other girls feel the same, but why are we given just so much to cope with in our lives? Other people wail they have 'too much to do' simply living one life in their lifetimes, but we will successful live two! And then we'll do all the other caring and compassionate things our community does too, without any complaints!

There's a saying, "God will never give you more in life than you can cope with." So why do I keep feeling like such a lot of my live can be summed up in this verse from "Five Years' by David Bowie? Especially the lyrics about, "My brain hurt like a warehouse!!"
------------------------------------------------------
Pushing thru the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying
I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and t.v.s
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people
And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people
I never thought I'd need so many people
-------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere I've used two of my favourite sayings in blogs, "Most die without ever having really lived." and "May you live all the days of your life." I'd like to think that I have LIVED but why does it appear, at least at the moment, that my one true desire - to be a woman - is far beyond me???

Yes I know it will happen, and in terms of my whole life it will be soon, but each day I can almost feel my head expanding to the point of explosion! I don't want to 'cram anymore things in my store'!!! I just want to finally get around to living the life I have been running away from for 33 years!!

If you don't know the song the clip below is of David Bowie singing it on a famous Rock Music programme in Britain all the way back in 1972! When I was just 9 years old!!

Yes, even I was young once, and OK it was a very, very, very, long time ago!! (lol)

I recently replied to a young lady's blog. Nothing special in that you may think, but when I saw the photograph, above, a thought came straight into my mind! (I think that may be about five thoughts I've had in 2008! If I'm not careful I may reach the dizzy heights of a thought a month!! (lol)) I think many of you may have met and know Jayna, I only really know her through the wonderful podcasts, but just to look at the photo you can tell she's a woman of power and care for our community!

Once again as in many of my blogs, it straight away sparked off a song title, which I included in my reply. (I'm going to stop apologising for the links to 'You Tube' Videos as I hope I may be educating some, and I like the tracks anyway ... So there!!) The song below is a wonderful track from the early 1970s by John Lennon, called "Power to the People!' I'm almost crying to think what treasures Lennon might have produced if he'd not been assassinated in New York in 1980! (Is Chapman back on the streets yet?)

I'm still a very young girl ... er ... OK ... make that a new girl then, so I don't know a lot of the facts about our community. Websites such as Lyn Conway's transsexual Women of success will help persuade the rest of society that we're nothing more than women who want to live our own lives in peace, but is anything being done on a large scale to get our point of view and desire for peaceful lives across to other people?

I still don't know that many girls personally, but I think I must know dozens on-line and to a girl they are some of the kindest, most generous, compassionate and caring people I know. We all have such a lot to offer this world, just give us the power!! Right-on!!

A short while ago I posted a blog asking if any other girls ever suffered from what Winston Churchill called 'the black dog of depression', then last night I posted a blog about all the tears this girl is currently crying. Then today the tears leaked out 'big style' as I went to the nearest town to pick up my Macintosh Laptop from repair, (Before you PC users gloat about a Mac having to be repaired, I did knock it off a high table onto the floor breaking the screen off almost completely!)

The reason for today's tears was I just so happened to be listening to the song I've posted above, (Sorry there is so much brilliant and relevant music on You Tube, I just can't stop finding the tracks) the song is 'Fantastic Voyage' by David Bowie. The chorus line is "We're learning to live with somebody's depression and we don't want to live with somebody's depression." Having been almost clinically depressed and on medication for more than ten years now, I simply don't want to live with it anymore!!!

Don't worry I am not going to do anything stupid (waddya mean that makes a pleasant change!! (lol)) The doctors have in their hands a life-saving answer to my depressive problems. If I'd fought for my 'cure' years ago how different and positive my life would have been!! Don't get me wrong I've had a good life and made the most of large chunks of it, unlike lots of people I have actually 'done things' with my life! It's just that until now i have never actually done things as the real me!!

When I started coming out to various people, including my doctor, for the first time in what felt like years I felt really alive!! All the negatives I'd had to endure to running away from who I really am were forgotten! I'm a girl and I cannot wait to get the body to match!! But why did things have to stop dead in my transition?? Or more to the point why did I allow them to stop??

My excuse was that I 'needed to finish my degree', then use my transition as the ultimate reward! But guess how much work I have done to get my reward?? Diddley squat!!! Again my excuses are finishing with my SO as she could no longer cope with my issues and the rising sense of depression as I realised I appeared to be totally trapped in a male body, and I'd got it into my head that I was going to die as a man!

To go back to the song, as well as hoping for transition, I really was 'learning to live with somebody's depression'. But there is now one thing for certain, "I don't want to live with somebody's depression', especially my own!! I've suddenly realised that I was looking for problems rather than being solution oriented. It's not easy to turn over a life-times negativity 'training' but I am positive I will! Then I won't have to live somebody's depression ever again!!

Why me, and why all the tears!! I am still to all outwards appearances (sadly) a man! It's the last thing I want to be, but at the moment everything seems to be working against my dream!!! And at the moment I simply cannot stop crying at the hand life appears to have dealt me! By which I don't just mean having been born a woman in a man's body, as I know within a few years my dream should become a reality ... there I did it again! Used the word 'should' rather than will!! I need to talk positive to myself but straight away I get into negative self-talk, there again 45 years of habit will take little time to undo!!

Actually, to be honest at the moment I simply cry at anything, other girls postings on-line, TV programs or movies, and even news items on the television. I suppose I could have started this post with 'Blue Bayou' by Linda Ronstadt, but I think I've been over doing the music links recently! Speaking of which that was one of the first 12" singles I bought, on blue vinyl too, over 30 years ago!! Oh heck!! Now I've started the tears over the passage of time!!

To coin a phrase, "Big Girls Don't Cry", but for some reason I certainly do!! I suppose it could largely be frustration at still not being the real me! And I wondered if any other girls suffer from 'waterworks' at often the most inopportune time? I've never reveled them all on-line but I do have six disabilities, when most people are more than satisfied with just one! (lol) And all I really want to be is a woman, is that too much to ask!!??

Tonight I was watching the film 'Roxanne' with Steve Martin at his finest. The clip above is 20 better ways to describe a big nose, which to my mind is an all time comedy classic! But when I was busy 'laughing my socks off, at the film I suddenly realized I have what I can only describe as a high volume problem!!

You see, when I find something truly funny I laugh long, hard and and above all LOUD!! Which in many ways is good, especially if I am at a live performance, but unfortunately it is far from feminine! At least all the women I know seem to titter, rather than guffaw.

When something is funny, it's a natural reaction to laugh, which is fine, but does anyone have any ideas as to how I can turn down my volume??? I suppose I could simply try to avoid anything I might find humorous, but I still want to enjoy life, and you never can tell when something just might make you laugh!

Isn't it time our community really got the rights we deserve? Earlier this year there was huge press coverage about 'How MEN in DRESSES would be able to use the female toilets in various states in the USA!' And how young girls would be put within reach of these 'deranged perverts!' At least that appeared to be the angle the more right-wing press were putting on things!

But we girls have rights too! The video above will go a long way to dispelling peoples' bigoted attitudes towards us, and I just hope ass many people as possible do get to see it.

Tonight I read another girls blog which had the link to the video above. I watched 'The T word' and straight away watched the other episodes of this show and bookmarked all the other episodes on You Tube.

I'm still pretty new to the TS 'scene' but it's the first time I've seen real comedy done from a true transgendered viewpoint. It certainly made me laugh!!! Give it a try and see if it has the same effect on you!

(Thanks Khyri for the link!)

The song above is called 'Down, down' by the British band Status Quo. Somewhat frighteningly, I suddenly realised it was 30 years since I saw the band live in Manchester! They are famous in Britain for only ever using four cords, or something like that, I'm not a musician (and many may say neither are they)!

I explained about a week ago I had split from my significant other (SO) after 8 years it effected me more than I could ever imagine. For the past week I have been carrying a rather large 'torch' around hoping it wasn't over. Again I have spent countless hours curled up in bed and it has taken me until tonight, well actually a chat with girl-friends on an online forum last-night to realise I am simply sleeping my life away and delaying my transition!

It is hard to just flush eight years of your life away, especially when your SO has basically saved your live several times when you were at the bottom of the deepest pit! But as I tell others, this is my/your life it is my decision what I am doing with it!

So onwards, and upwards it is!!! Life is way too short to waste, and I have already wasted far too many years not being the woman I should have been. Tell you what I'm going to buy myself a new dress to celebrate and restore the whole of my 'Status Quo'!!! Thanks once again for your support!!

Don’t worry, the title of this blog doesn’t mean I am turning into the Neanderthal of the North of England! (Although a certain girl I know in London would say we’re all weird and primitive up here!) Sometimes, however, the challenges of being who I really am do make me want to just scream or even roar.

As a man I used to usually sleep just by myself, even whilst I was married (but that’s a different story!) Now as I prepare for my transition my bed ‘floweth over!’ My bed and bedroom are packed with cuddly animals of all breeds and descriptions, most of who have names and different characters. I could probably write a book based on the imaginary adventures my cuddly friends have had, (only imaginary before you get too girlie like me and think that lumps of Kapok and material have feelings and can move by themselves!!!) (waddya mean they can’t!!?)

Amongst my best furry friends are 'Mr. Lion', (The Kapocked Crusader who wants to fly), Mishka (The Volga - sorry - Vulgar Boat Bear who swears rather a lot and Manny (The Red Devil) all of whom have their own lives and stories! Weird? Moi? Well, yes!!!

My furry friends are friends in a million, they are always there to keep this girl company and never speak out of turn, unlike certain humans I could mention! If I cannot sleep they’ll give me a cuddle. If I need someone to talk to they’ll listen to all I have to say and even give me new ways of looking at things, and agree with all I have to say. I love them all to bits and now couldn’t live without them.

I hope I’m not alone in loving my cuddly friends, and I hope other girls have given homes to cuddly animals in need too!

As Roachford once sang, 'My cuddly toy is my only joy!!!"

Ooh 'eck!!! Davinia's at it again!!! Yet another 'heavy' posting!

For those girls too young to have heard it before the song is 'Changes' from 1971 by David Bowie. (As an aside an ex-colleague of mine went to see Bowie live on the 'Ziggy Stardust' tour! Jealous, moi??) My reason for posting it is I have today made one of the biggest decisions I am ever likely to make!! Well, the biggest one since I decided this body wasn't mine!!

This morning I has a session at the local hospital with a psychiatrist at my local hospital. No, not directly about my transsexuality, but about far deeper and long lasting situations that have held me back throughout my entire life! The result of the session were so positive and so outstanding that I almost flew back from the hospital. My entire POSITIVE future was mapped out, my almost 45 years of negative 'self-talk' had been throw into the toilet and I was about to 'pull the chain' and flush it around the u-bend! We had an in-depth discussion about 'Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)' (http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm), and a large part of my life was 'sorted' only the 'small' matter of my transition to worry about now!!!

However, when I returned back home and began to tell my significant other (SO) how brilliant I now felt, she straight away looked for a negative point. The point being that due to my creative background I like to play with words and almost live by the saying that "If you make at least one person laugh in a day, whatever else happens you've done some good in that day." I always say my 'jokes' with a broad smile on my face but she said people thought I was insulting them (which of course I aren't) and is worried what they thing about me, her friend, and NOT her SO! Basically she was worried more about what people thought of her being with me rather than my future! It was then that I finally realized that the main thing now holding my entire life back and more importantly my transition was now Ann herself! She may change but today I certainly did!!

We've had such brilliant times together and shared such a lot, good times and bad, but at the age of 45 and seriously disabled by Multiple Sclerosis (MS) it is time to take control of my life and make my transition dream come true NOW not some time in the future whenever that might be. Thankfully I have already 'lived' more in my life that most, and accomplished more for myself, and more importantly for other than most people will.

By the time I post this it will be almost Tuesday morning in Britain (it is 11.30 in Britain as I type) so it is now a brand new day and this is a whole new positive Davinia! I am a whole new man and in the shortest time possible I WILL BE a whole NEW WOMAN!! Changes can be hard but change is what I HAVE to do!! It is that or die!!

(I did say at the beginning this was a 'heavy' post!)

It's quite a while since I had any photographs taken as a woman, and since then like the trees in Autumn a portion of my hair has decided to fall, so what am I going to do about my ... er ... rather large problem?? I honestly am not proud of myself but I appear to be very big-headed!!!

I suppose what I am trying to say is does anyone know any suppliers of large female wigs (Ideally in the UK) or will I have to wait until the hormones give me a fuller thatch? I've discovered the style below which I really like and have e-mailed the supplier but as their site says, they normally only go up to several centimeters below my size I'm not too confident I'll ever be able to go out without a hat!! (sob!)

Measured round the nape of the neck and the forehead, I'm about 25 inches (64 cm)


Have any other girls ever suffered this problem? Anyone got any ideas? Or will I have to give the bunch below a call about my hair??

Well they do say that getting married can be expensive. Ours was done on the cheap, but to me the cost was to prove to be unimaginable, not just financially and emotionally but in broken dreams and destroyed lives.

As a man I was so naïve that I believed my marriage vows, spoken at the high alter in front of god and naturally expected that my now wife would too. Well, that was a mistake to say the least, with the benefit of hindsight if I had followed my instincts and looked into immediately filing for divorce I would have been a woman for maybe 15 years and been able to enjoy the ‘best years of my life’ actually as the best years of my life!

It was to prove somewhat fitting that my wedding night began with a mass row and the two of us almost sleeping in separate beds. Someone had told Phoebe’s family that I suffered from terrible epilepsy, I didn’t and I don’t, but she wondered why I never told them that I did. Anyway after a honeymoon in the Lake District we got back to our newly bought and desperate to be done up house. In addition to rushing to do up the house before our son was born I was working all the hours in Manchester, still I had to go home sometimes which as you might expect for a young newly married man like me did have it rewards ………………… Phoebe worked nights so as soon as she left the house so could I!!! Fully dressed and made up!!

You'll be pleased to hear I couldn't think of a piece of music to tie in with this thought, but I wondered if any other girls have gone through the emotional maelstrom I've been through for the past decade or more?

The "Black Dog" in the headline to this post was Churchill's name for his depression. The nickname implies both familiarity and an attempt at mastery, because while that dog may sink his fangs into one's person every now and then, he's still, after all, only a dog, and he can be cajoled sometimes and locked up other times.

I wondered if my past depression, traces of which still remain was linked up in any way to my long desire to be a girl and my attempts to be 'normal' at least as far as in the community I live in. At one time, after my marriage broke down, I spent almost three years on a benefit called Incapacity Benefit, and I've since heard that if you spend more than 2 years on this benefit you are more likely to die or retire than ever come off it.

I'll explain a little about some of the horrors I experienced, maybe, when I get back to posting my story, but for now I just wondered if anyone else had been 'licked' by this dog?

With thanks to Freddie Mercury and Queen, this girl really does feel to be 'Going slightly mad!!!'

I stopped posting for a while to get on with my University work, but it hasn't worked!! All that's happened is that I've got increasingly depressed and spent more and more time sleeping! It often felt that even my dreams of womanhood were hanging by a thread, indeed there were times my life felt to be in the same position Last weekend when I spent almost 48 hours asleep in bed I decided that I needed my girlfriends on-line more than anything, so I hope you'll welcome me back.

Whilst I've been off-line I've discovered that under my Health Authority it will be at least two years before I can even start to transition, but thankfully I have a friend who has explained a faster way forward through a doctor in London. However, i still need to do that University work to sort out a situation which I have been aware of even longer than my transsexualism!! Now what a way to get my self motivated to do the work? As soon as I finish I can truly start my journey!! So if I don't do the work I don't become a woman! Now that IS a REAL nightmare!!

To quote Gloria Esterfan, I tried to, but "I can't stay away from you!"

Hi Sisters,

As you may have noticed I simply adore being around all the girls on line, present company included, of course!!

However, due to health issues I still have not finished my University work to get my degree, so I should be putting every available minute into finishing the work. I have got an extension to do the work of up to 2 months i.e. the end of August.

Meanwhile, my transition appears to be going nowhere fast, by which I mean it looks like it may well be after the Summer before things start moving for me.

I am thinking that I had better retreat somewhat from posting, so I suppose I had possibly cut down to only posting once a week, say Sunday evenings! But I will miss everyone!

I thought I'd let you know what I was thinking of, in case you thought I had gone quiet and 'slipped off the radar.'

Hugs
Davinia